A Day In The Life...

Cold Hard Bitch...

2006-04-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

Is there a full moon? Or did everyone just tap into the crazy water lately?
The most bizarre things keep happening.

Yesterday, at work, it seemed like all the poker players had forgotten to take their ritalin. Just a bunch of out of control children. I was trying to keep them together, but it's easier said then done. Then, near the end of the night, I walked back to the no-limit table. There is one player that always comes in, a really nice guy, and always brings me candy. I will not mention names, since he seems to be embarrassed. Even though no one knows who he is anyways. So, he called me back there and as I was walking, I must have put my head down for a second. Looked back up and he was gone. Now, he's not a little guy. He couldn't have moved that fast. Upon closer inspection, I saw his feet. Dangling over the table. Dumbass had rocked so far back in his chair that he was now laying on the ground, with the chair still underneath him, legs in the air and all. Definetly the funniest thing I've seen around there.

So, the point is is that I walked back there and stood at the game for a bit (mostly to contain my laughter before moving on through the room). The table was down to about 6 people, and they were doing the usual bickering about the last hand, when this caldian gentleman said to the black gentleman "It's cool my Nigger". Everything stopped at this point. OH NO HE DIDN'T! I mean, what people say is thier business. I don't prefer to say that word. I even have problems typing it. But it crosses my lines when it's in my workplace, there is a black dealer at the table, and other black patrons around. Well, needless to say, the african-american player didn't appreciate it either. He jumped out of his seat so fast. And of course, I'm the only back there to deal with this. All of the sudden he's yelling at the caldian guy "What the fuck did you call me? You're not my friend. You don't know me." Blah blah blah. I do have to give him credit for not retaliating like he could have. So, I told him to quiet down and told the caldian guy, who had no clue he said something wrong (right right...) that what he said was abolutely and completely inappropriate. He just didn't get it. I made him apologize. And he did, reluctantly. And proceded to explain to him that even if the other man was not offended, I won't put up with the N word, F-bombs, and other things because it offends me or other patrons. He responds with "I wasn't talking to you." Which I came back with "You're in my poker room. Anything you say or do has something to do with me. Deal with it." Which was immediately followed by him being walked out with security and permanently 86'd. Nice. Turns out a month earlier he threatened to follow an employee to the parking lot and kill them. Beautiful.

Then on the way home I got the strangest text message. I dated this guy a little over two years ago. We used to be pretty close, but don't really talk anymore except the usual banter at work. Anyways, got a message on my way home that just said "Everyone says I really loved you." What? Where the hell did that come from? Well, turns out that his current girlfriend said that everyone said he really loved me. Now, I don't know the context of this statement. Dave and I were trying to figure it out. Plus why he told me this. He has been with this girl for some time now. And I have not been with him for over 2 years. Why am I being brought up by her? Were they arguing? Dave had a good point. She was probably just asking the wrong questions to either him or someone else and got an answer she didn't want. Ugh. That's why I don't prefer to talk about ex's. Damn. I know all about Dave's, but never bothered to really go into mine. If he ever wants to know, he can ask.

So, checking my myspace. Nothing too exciting. Then I refreshed the page and noticed I had a new message. It was from someone that I didn't know. On myspace it is not uncommon for crazy mass messages from people asking if their hot or not and shit like that. It really is sad that people need validation through myspace. Christ, is anyone on there to really impress anyone anyways? So the point is this message said, and I quote, "I WANNA FUCK YOU" What the hell? So I clicked on the profile. It is a 17 year old from Southfield who apparently just migrated here from Nepal. It's actually slightly amusing. On his survey thing, for current location, he actually put his address. And the Kelly Clarkson video was a nice touch. Heh.. "Do you shower daily? Noooooooo" That's attractive. So I send him a message back saying "Gee, thanks. I'm flattered." Which got the best response ever. In all caps I might add. "ARE YA A VIRGIN OR WHAT WHATS YOUR AGE I AM A VIRGIN SO I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODY WITH CONDOM" hahahahahhaha!!!!!!! Does this really work on people? Am I supposed to be turned on? HA! I can't stop laughing long enough to get wet.
So I wrote back that I was a bit old for him and thanks but no thanks. Just got another response. Apparently he's done yelling at me, cause he stopped with the caps lock. "i don't care about the age i just dont wanna be a virgin are you with me" Poor pathetic sap. And maybe I was a bit harsh, but this guy was slightly creeping me out. My response " Nope. Sorry. You're on your own. I don't go for guys that have to pick up women on myspace, begging for them to take his virginity. Sorry, desperation is not on my list of traits I'm looking for. I wish you the best of luck" And I really do. I hope he can round up one of those myspace whore train hotties or something. And they can rock his world. Good luck Aashish.

I'm An Asshole...

2006-04-16T13:59:00.000-04:00

I am officially convinced that my purpose in life is to amuse others.

Went to Dave's last night after work. He had been out at the bar with some friends, and was a bit inebriated. No big deal. I knew his family was coming over around 1 or so today for Bunny Day festivities, so I told him I was gonna get up and leave around noon. I had met his aunt before and briefly his dad, but not the rest. Anyways, around 1130am, we heard someone come in. His aunt had arrived early to start dinner. No big deal. She let us sleep. Anyways, woke up around 1245. Shit. I got up and started to dress... or at least put a bra on. When Dave's phone rang. It was his brother. I was semi-ecstatic cause no one was there yet. Turns out he was calling to say they were at the door and Aunt Sharon wasn't there to open it for them. I couldn't believe it. I was stuck. It was inevitable that this was how I was going to meet his family. Purple pajama pants, a tank top, bedhead, and morning breath. I threw on one of his sweatshirts, and, after much coaxing, figured the sooner I got out there, the sooner I could leave. Right before we walked out, Dave's mom called, so he was on the phone with her. We went out there and there they were. Sitting on the couch. His brother and wife (who Dave dispises), dad, and another aunt. The one person I did know wasn't even there. Dave semi-introduced me. I apologized for just waking up. Not one person said hello, introduced themselves, let alone looked at me. I stood there for a moment. Just frozen. Finally, after pure mortification, I turned around, went to Dave in the kitchen, gave him a kiss, and ran out the back door. Got to my car and cried.

I know the crying sounds ridiculous, but my family met Dave and welcomed him with open arms. They love him. He was greeted, fed, joked around with them, everything was great. I meet his, and they won't even say hello to me. It's not his fault by any means. I just wish I could talk to him and see if there's a reason. I'm sure they had some comments about me after that one. Ugh. And this story is amusing, and I'm sure I will find it absolutely hilarious in a couple of hours. Please tell me y'all have bad meeting the family stories too...

This was just the topper for a crazy week anyways. Parents were in Las Vegas all week. Everything went perfectly fine for the whole time til the last day. I went in the laundry room, and the light was burnt out. It was about 330am. I had to pick up the parents at 6am. Dave offered to change the lightbulb. Probably to stop my bitching, but either way, it was getting changed. He climbed halfway up the dryer, steadying himself on the cabinets hanging above, when, all of the sudden, the four large cabinets hanging above came crashing down. Somehow I escaped injury except some scrapes and bruises, and one landed on Dave's foot. It was insane. So, needless to say, we spent the morning doing construction.

Got to the airport and the plane was an hour late. Then a car accident on the way home. I do believe I need to invest in a plastic bubble.

One last thing. Just wanted to say sorry to Sarah and her family about her Grandpa. I was practically raised with the man as my psuedo-Grandpa. He was a wonderful man. And I'm sorry I couldn't go to the cemetary. That's always the hardest part for me, at least. Plus I hadn't slept yet. No excuses. I'm sorry.

Burning Down The House...

2006-04-01T16:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I worked, and Dave was there playing poker. It actually works out pretty good. I'll leave around 4, and usually so will he. Then we'll just meet back at his house. My schedule is very hard to date on, but this works pretty good. Until now. He had seperated his shoulder about 2 weeks ago, so he's been out of work. He goes back Monday. 8am. Yeah, that doesn't work so well. Plus he's got his kid all weekend. So, yeah, I'm not cruising over there after work. Anyways, the point is, Thursday after work, he kept playing. Around 6am, he called to say he was done and we decided that, since I wouldn't see him for a while, I'd come over. I never realized how bright it is at 630am. Ugh. And traffic. What the hell?

So, everyone knows I'm paranoid, coupled with a large variety of irrational fears. Such as drinking out of cans, the dark, microwaves, Patrick Swayze, and smoking in my car. Okay, not necessarily the act of smoking, more like ashing. Yes, I'm that girl that sticks my hand all the way out the window to flick the butt. I will not drop it at a red light or anywhere my car is stopped cause I don't want it to roll under my car, find some sort of leak and blow up. When I am on the freeway, and I flick out the window, I roll it up super quick, just in case it flew out mine in into the guy behind me's window. And if I don't see the butt fly, I'll sit there with the windows up, and turn the radio off (cause you know your nose works better, and you can find addresses easier when the radio's off), and just sniff, to see if something burning in my car. Yes, that's me. The crazy girl.

Well, I'm not that irrational. While driving to Dave's, I decided to get the last cigarette in before bed. Everything is going fine, I flick the ashes, to where they all fall off. I'm reaching for my lighter, and notice smoke. My back seat is on fire. The ashes had flown back into the window, into my back seat and set my pillow on fire. It smelled awful! My car was filled with smoke. I was almost at Dave's, so I waited till I got in the driveway and poured Mountain Dew all over it. So, now, my car smells like a campfire sprinkled with Mountain Dewey goodness. The whole night I kept waking up, convinced my car was burnt to a crisp.

See, my paranoia is not completely unjustified...

Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong...

2006-03-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

Tagged from Chud.

Favorite Artist meme:
Choose a band or artist; and answer a bunch of questions using only titles of their songs.

I'm going to try Radiohead.

1. Are you male or female? Cinamon Girl (Do covers count? If not, then...) Paranoid Android or Kid A

2. Describe yourself: Optimistic

3. How do some people feel about you: I Might Be Wrong or Big Ideas (don't get any)

4. How do you feel about yourself: BulletProof...I Wish I Was

5. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend: High And Dry

6. Describe your current significant other: Everything In It's Right Place

7. Describe where you want to be: How To Disappear Completely And Never Be Found

8. Describe how you live: Karma Police or Like Spinning Plates

9. Describe how you love: True Love Waits

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Fitter Happier

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Anyone Can Play Guitar

12. Now say goodbye: Street Spirit (Fade Out...)

I suppose I should tag someone... Hmm...

Ron
Prince
Mikey
Shana

Even Though We Ain't Got Money...

2006-03-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

Hey there! We are back from Chicago. It was so nice to get away! Granted, the trip was quite a roller coaster ride itself. But at least it wasn't the same old bull shit. So, what happened, you may ask. Hmm.. I suppose it's best to start from the beginning.

I drove out by myself on Sunday. It was awesome! Just put on some music, and cruised on down the road. Talked to my mom around the half way point, and talked to Ron for a good half hour or so. Other than that, solitude. It was a beautiful ride. Got to Chicago around nine or so. Shana and I sat around, ate some snacks, and headed out to the bar. Christina's. A friend of mine at work's daughter works here, so we thought we'd go visit. Turns out we weren't working that night, but Joe was working. We had met him on New Years. Really nice guy. He took excellent care of us (and even asked where my halo was...). Anyways, it's a four o'clock bar, so we left around four just completely wasted. Went back to the apartment and suffered greatly after searching for about an hour for a 24 hour restaurant.

Monday, we went downtown. Went to H&M, Borders, ate dinner at the weirdest food court, then picked Dave up from the train station. Now, you would think that the train station wouldn't be that hard to find, but it was ridiculous. We ended up getting there an hour early, due to the fact that apparently I can't tell time when it's an hour behind. I seem to have a lot of trouble telling time. I think I may have a problem. Anyways, we went into the station. It was late, not many people there. But the ones that were, were fucking bizarre. It's like they take the weirdos past a certain time and send them all to the train station. The place itself was pretty much abandoned and made weird noises. Needless to say, we grabbed Dave and got out of there. Of course, heading to the bar.

Chicago is really weird about their parking. There's tow zones, there's metered parking, there's snow zones, yellow curbs. Anything and everything to make it difficult. We went to Nick's Beergarten... one of our favorite four o'clocks. They have an enclosed patio in the back, where we often go after the other bars close. They almost know us there. Anyways, we were leaving, after a night of dealing with the horniest group of people I've encountered (seriously, it must have been horny night there... everyone was on spanish fly or something). Shana, Dave and myself go out front, just to see a tow truck driving away with my car. And we watched it go on by. It was so sad. Then two guys come up to Shana and I, ask if that's our car. Yes, whatever. The one guy turns to the other and asks him if he's got booze at his house, yes, whatever. Then they turn back to us and say "You can come over and use our phone if you want..." *wink wink nudge nudge* Are you fucking serious?!?! These people are relentless.

Took a cab back to Meg's. Made some phone calls to the cops, Shana's dad, my mom, the cops again, the impound yard. (May I add, in this apartment, to make a phone call, you must go in the corner and press your head against the window to get a signal.) In a last stitch effort, Shana called the police department in the worst sobby/drunken voice and pleaded to no sympathy. Fucking corrupt Chicago cops. Who makes an area surrounding a four o'clock bar a tow zone after three o'clock? Anyways, there was nothing more to do but binge eat at this point. Spinach dip is always a great binge eating food.

Funny thing about eating in this apartment. The microwave only works in 15 second intervals. If you keep putting in 15 seconds, over and over again, it's fine. Just tedious. Otherwise, if you plug in 2 minutes or something, the microwave will shut off in 15 seconds and you have to reset the power strip. So, I put in the spinach dip, set the microwave, and it actually went for 45 seconds. I thought our luck was looking up. There must be some sort of mercy to at least let us eat after such horrible events. Then it happened. Dreams were squashed. Hope was gone. The lights went out. Fucking fuse blew. No lights anywhere but the one lamp in the family room. No tv, no space heater in the freezing bedroom where Dave and I were sleeping. Nothing. Only one lamp, the refrigerator and the stove (at least the fridge worked.). Unbelievable. So, of course, we went looking for the fuse box. And after much searching, concluded it must be in the padlocked door across the hall, which the key was no where to be found. Even Megan, whose apartment it was, who was in New York, wasn't answering her phone. So, now, I had no car, and we all had no power, and Dave and I had no heat to sleep in. Did I mention I had forgotten to bring a blanket with me? So we had about 4 really thin fleece blankets. That was some of the worst sleep I've ever gotten.

The next morning, my phone rang. It was Megan, revealing the location of the missing key. Shana and I found it, in it's obvious hiding spot, and went into the scary room. I call it the scary room cause it's straight out of a horror flick. No lights, rotting floorboards with big gaps so you can barely see the dead bodies hidden underneath. We got the fuses back on, relocked the door and everything was good again. So, our third day in Chicago was spent at the impound yard. And was a very expensive day. Almost $200 worth.

After getting my car, which is a whole different story, Dave and I went to eat, and Shana went to pick up Meg and Josh from the airport. It was a good dinner. We got to spend some time together and just hang out on $ .25 beer night. Went back and got Shana and went back to Christina's.

Wednesday, we took Dave to Hot Doug's (The Sausage Superstore) and Margie's Candies (best ice cream ever!) and back to the train station. We got lost again, I had a bit of road rage, dropped him off 15 minutes before his train was leaving. We went shopping. Then spent the evening with Meg, drinking and watching movies. Thursday, came home.

Edit... I forgot to mention the ride home. I stopped at a rest stop. Now anyone that knows me knows my fear of public bathrooms. I don't like them. Period. It was dark, but I just couldn't hold it anymore. I had just entered Michigan, so I had quite a ways to go and the next rest stop wasn't for about 34 miles. I was messaging Dave at the time, and told him I was stopping and if he didn't hear from me in 10 minutes, to be worried. Anyways, there were absolutely no lights in the parking lot and two empty cars parked. Kinda creepy. I went in, with my keys clutched, and walked into stink. Every toilet was absolutely disgusting. Pee pee and stuff everywhere. I peed, went to wash my hands. There were three sinks. Walked up to the first one to find some sort of blood like substance in the sink. I'm not going to say it was blood, since I did not stay long enough to investigate. I moved on to the next where there was hair. And it was not from someone's head. Finally, washed my hands in the third, ran to the car, and used about 10 wet naps. Called Dave to tell him I was okay, and got the speech about not stopping at rest stops. Okay, he's right.

Now it's back to reality. Missed everyone. Thanks Ron and Melissa and Shawn for the hellos and good wishes. Melissa and Ron, sorry for not messaging back. I got the whole "Hope your trip is going well" and "I miss you guys! Hope you're having fun" On my way to and from the impound yard. Kinda made me chuckle.
Anyways, glad to be home. But not really.

Journey To The East End Of The Bay...

2006-03-19T13:25:00.001-05:00

What's up strangers? Sorry it's been a while. Not much has been happening/I haven't really been around. Whatever the case might be, I figured I should write something.

St Patty's Day just came and went. Always a good time. I had the pure intentions of going out til about 6pm, then going home, changing, and heading to work. I have never, in my life, worked on St Patty's Day. Got to the bar, and was actually quite content drinking 7-up. But then Melisssa just kept on in my ear "One beer won't hurt ya" "You know you want to." Yes, it got me. Peer pressure. I became useless against it's charms. So, one beer. It was all downhill from there. Called into work. Mike, Shana and I ended up getting a phone call from our friend Kevin, who is good buddies with a guy that owns a bar in Taylor. So, we ended up out there. Didn't really hear from anyone else that night, so I just figured everyone had their own thing to do. Anyways, we were having enough trouble finding our own plans, really wouldn't be fair to wrap anyone else into them. So we end up at this bar (which is conveniently 2 blocks from Mike's house). It was fucking packed! When I glanced to the side and noticed an empty booth. We took the three way attack and scored some prime seating. Nice. Ran into a co-worker. Ended up with a $180 bar tab between the three of us. Took about 5 or 6 of this shot that the owner makes with everclear. Can't beat that. Overall, a decent night.

Leaving for Chicago in an hour or so. Shana left yesterday. We are house sitting for her sister while she's in New York. Pretty excited. It was time for a vacation. Was getting a bit burnt out around here. I'm actually really looking forward to the drive. 5 hours in a car by myself. Can't get much better than that. I think the way home won't be as pleasurable, but we'll see. So, five days in Chicago. We made it a point to invite many people to come with us, but guess no one wants to get away for a bit. Oh well, their loss. Not too often you have a free place to stay in Chicago. Train tickets are cheap as hell. Meh. Anyways, I suppose I should finish packing. I'll be hitting the road around 3 or so. If anyone feels like talking, I'm sure I'll have the time. Just give me a call.

I'll see y'all next week. Miss you!

Somebody Someone...

2006-03-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

For anyone that doesn’t know myspace, you have a bunch of friends that you add onto your list and such, and you can send messages and post comments. And there are these things called bulletins. Kind of like a board type thing you can just post a bulletin and everyone on your friends list gets it.

Last night I get home and I was checking out the bulletins. My friend Jay had posted one about a “crush calculator.” Whatever. I fuck around with some of these things. Not that my real age compared with my “virtual”age makes a difference. Or “what city I am” will change my life. Or my personal favorite… my “personal slogan” (Nobody Does It Like Laura). Oh, I could go on and on. Anyways, so this crush calculator, you put your name in, followed by three names of your crushes. Then, in some amazing mathematical geniusry, it tells you whether you are compatable. Absolutely amazing. Of course, I want this phenomenal website to tell me. Am I compatable? Cause I can never tell. So I plug in a name. Dave. No big deal. I think it’s pretty safe to put someone in that you’re kinda seeing anyways. I pressed the calculate button. Then a screen pops up… “Oops, you’ve been fooled! Everything you typed on the last page has been sent to ” Ha! I found this fucking hilarious. Of course I sent a message to Jay telling him how funny I thought it was, and decided to repost this bulletin myself. My friends seem to have a pretty good sense of humor.

Anyways, woke up this morning and checked my e-mail. There was about 25 messages from this thing! Some of the responses were so funny… I will not mention any names, but of course I get the messages on myspace in the process about how it was just the first three people that popped into someone’s head, or just made up a name, or whatever. I have to laugh. One person even sent me something saying how they just typed the first person they could think of. Hopefully I don’t really get this sent to me, he didn’t mean it, blah blah blah, that was so wrong… then reposts the damn thing himself! Anyone who sent me a message about it, got some sort of reply saying have a sense of humor. My friend Novak brought up a good point. They are just afraid of having their crushes revealed. Oh god. It’s the end of the damn world. Anyways, do you really think the crush calculator works? I think, tomorrow, I’m going to go make a billboard with the results on it. Hee hee..

Anyways, I wanted to post a couple of the results… I was laughing my ass off.

Friend name: Michael Wayne
Crush #1: Eggs
Crush #2: Sausage
Crush #3: Hashbrowns

Friend name: Be Careful
Crush #1: Knowing Too
Crush #2: Much Could
Crush #3: Be Dangerous

Friend name:
Crush #1: Kermit the Frog
Crush #2: not entered
Crush #3: not entered

Friend name: Thom Yorke
Crush #1: Laura Devore
Crush #2: not entered
Crush #3: not entered
(for anyone that doesn’t know, Thom Yorke is the singer for Radiohead. I knew he loved me!!!!!!!)

Friend name: Jesus Christ
Crush #1: Laura Devore
Crush #2: not entered
Crush #3: not entered
(Proof: Jesus loves me. Yes he does. And even he relies on the crush calculator for accurate results.)

Friend name: Laura Devore
Crush #1: poop
Crush #2: orange juice
Crush #3: not entered

Heh.. I’m still laughing. Thanks, Jay, for making my day a little more amusing. And for those of you that are offended, or worried, get over it. If you really do have a crush on these people, it does no good if you keep it in anyways. Secret crushes tend not to go anywhere. You have to tell that person! Your secret is safe with me.

Is This It...

2006-03-09T04:53:00.000-05:00

What an uneventful week. Other than my friend Kyle leaving for Arizona yesterday, nothing has happened. Ugh. Where's the excitement? At least there's only 8 more working days til vacation.

They announced promotions at work this week. Granted, I just heard today, since I haven't been there in two days. Yeah, not me. They promoted three dual-rates to full floor. I knew I wasn't going to get it, but there's always that slight hope. Of the three that did get it, I do believe two of them truly deserved it. The third, not so much, but I guess when you're in the position for so long, there's an obligation of sorts to promote. Not that I agree with that, but I can accept that. I'm not real sure why I'm disappointed in this. I mean, it's only been about a year. Maybe it's because I know the scores I got in the ratings (the pit managers have to rate us on our job performance) and I know I had a very high rating. Oh well, there's always next time. Congrats to those who did get it. I'll just keep up my standard of work, and hopefully they will recognize my efforts.

Well, off to the couch. New medicine I got makes me feel weird. Hot chocolate and useless television. A no fail cure-all.

Got The Life...

2006-03-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

All right, I suppose the last post needs some sort of explanation.

No, I did not get beat up.
No, I did not fall down stairs.
And no, it was not self-induced.

So, to clear that up, if you've kept up on the events of the past week, I had to go to the doctor on Monday. He wanted to check my sugar and such, no big deal. I made sure not to eat or drink anything before going, so that I would not have to go back again for a fasting blood test. I thought it was a smart move, since my doctor is about 45 minutes away. So, him and I talk a bit, he wrote me a script for more xanax. Then calls for blood work.

I have pretty good veins, from what I've heard. So, the girl pokes the left arm. I can feel her poke it like three times, then i feel the needle digging around. Anyone that has experienced this, knows. It's not a good feeling by any means. Finally, after the fourth attempt, I yelled at her to stop. I thought for sure I was passing out. I never have before, but I know I wasn't feeling right. She made me lay down and said she was gonna try the other arm. Fucking wonderful. Just what I wanted.

Anyways, after an attempt to puff up my vein in my right arm, she comes to the conclusion that I'm severly dehydrated. Ugh. What's new. I had to sit there and drink a huge cup of water for about twenty minutes. I didn't even get to put it down when she stabbed my right arm. Then did a sort of happy dance talking about how I'm flowing now and such.

So, there, that is why I'm covered in bruises. The insides of my elbows are blue and black, along with my biceps. And, somehow, in turn, my legs are bruised also. Maybe it's because of the heavy drinking that ensued after the massive blood loss.

Hope that clears things up.

Boys Don't Cry...

2006-02-28T20:45:00.000-05:00

Getting out of bed today was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And it's getting harder to not go back as the day goes on.

Muscle relaxors are a gift from god.

I need a drink.

I'm covered in bruises.

I really need to get out.

Happyface...

2006-02-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

Where do I start?

Yesterday when I woke up, unlike Wednesday, I was excited. Some days I just get really anxious to go to work. I can't really explain any more than I just love my job. Especially when I'm in the poker room (which is 99% of the time). I know my shit. I know the players. I'm competant. Enough said there. Granted, I've never dealt the game, at the casino at least. But the majority of the floor people there have never dealt half the games they watch. I don't see too much of a problem in this. As long as you know preventative and problem solving procedures. Hell, I got promoted three days before poker class was ending. I was trained to be a dealer for six weeks and had to learn all the management stuff in two days and take the test. Got a perfect score on that fucker. Like I said, I know my shit. Plus it was a good thing I got promoted when I did. Had recently visited an orthopedic surgeon that informed me that if I kept dealing everyday, shoulder surgery would be necessary.

Every week we have a poker game at Mike's. Tournament style, usually about 20 people or so. The same people every week. There's something about bonding when you play poker at 5am. We are all pretty good friends. And there are those that have been playing since the beginning. Who seems to be really tight at times. Yes, there is a reason for mentioning this.

So I'm work last night in the poker room extension. Perfect place to be. On my own, for the most part. With three tables. I'm off minding my own business. Now, understand, I am in this room every single day. Never once had a complaint made against me. In the few instances where people have fought with me or anything, they have ended up apologizing to me. The guy that runs the room, Brian, adores me. Because I DO MY JOB! Not any other reason... just because I'm willing to work. So, anyways, I'm standing there and my Shift Manager, Glenn comes up to see me. He comes and visits every once in a while. He asked if I had a poker uniform. I said no. He told me to go get one. And if I was too nervous, I didn't have to deal tonight, he'd wait til tomorrow. (that's today). What the hell? Where did that come from? Not that I'm too good to deal, it's just out of nowhere. But fine. Okay.

Flash to a couple hours later. I'm on break with Brian. I make some joke about dealing and such. Ha ha ha. He just looked at me with the craziest look. And proceded to inform me of the real reason I was dealing. There is another dual-rate supervisor that, last week, when informed he had to deal, went to the shift manager to complain because I was in a suit. Granted, yes, I was scheduled to deal that day, but the night before was told to come in in a suit because another floor was not coming in. This person didn't even think to find this out, now my pit is being called in with a complaint of favoritism towards me.

Favoritism? What bullshit. If this asshole, who used to be a good friend of mine, would've figured out the whole story before going to people that he shouldn't have even gone to first (whatever happened to the chain of command?) then this might not have happened. Again, I'm not upset about dealing. I'm upset about how this has happened. I'm caught in the middle of something that I don't want to be in. Childish games. And Brian is pissed cause this is happening. So, in a weird way, we have banded together. He told me that he is defending me up and down and doing what he can to not have my name in his fueds. So, if this guy thought there was favoritism before? Nice, you just brought us closer, you dumb fuck.

I can't believe I'm still fired up about this. I just can't stand fake people. Don't act like my friend then make shit up. Ugh. Plus with my shoulder, there is no possible way I could get through a night of dealing. And it's my friend's going away party. Can't get out of work now, cause, as I was leaving last night, the shift manager mentioned about talking to me tonight. Thanks fucker.

This whole thing probably hasn't made that much sense, but the point is, I pride myself on not being involved in any sort of controversy around there. I mind my own business and do my job. And I do it well. I'm sorry that some people aren't happy with where they're at, or that a certain pit doesn't think they do that good of a job, but don't bring me into it. Now he has hurt the trust of more than one person. Poker should be fun this week.

(Perfect title on this one... hee hee. If you know the song, wow, I'm good.)

Little Thoughts...

2006-02-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

All right Chud, you got me. I've been tagged...

First blog you ever read?
Hmm.. I'm not real sure. I think it was my friend Todd who's in the army. He kept a log of his day to day life. Then one day, it just stopped. I haven't gotten the e-mail, so I assume he's all right.

The best and worst about blogging?
Sometimes it's hard to convey emotion. Things can be taken the wrong way. And I hate mentioning names. But it is a nice release. And who the hell cares anyways? If you don't like it, don't read it.

Who was the first person to comment on your blog?
I'll have to check...On this one it was Shana talking about her cat's vomit. On the myspace one it was Mark.

If I re-named my blog I would call it ...
I really have no reason to rename it. I mean, A Day In The Life... sounds so unoriginal, but it fits my little theme with the music. I guess I could call it "Welcome To My Nightmare." But no thanks.

If my blog was a room it would look like ...
What a question. Depends on the day I suppose. Actually, I would imagine it would be like an interrigation room of sorts with clipped newspapers and pictures and books and such spread everywhere with the faint sound of muted music playing from down the hall. With one of those lights... the kind that hang from the ceiling like in the movies that swing back and forth. Oh, you know what I'm saying.

What has been your most popular blog entry?
There's three that are tied. Bizarre comments too. One was Waiting... In December. Then there was a couple other ones. Don't feel like looking anymore.

If my blog had a theme song it would be ...
Hmm... That's an ironic question. Considering mine is based on theme songs. For the most part, whatever the title of the post is, the song directly corresponds to the post. Unless I just really couldn't think of anything. Usually that's the song I'm listening to when I write too.

Five bloggers I would like to have over for dinner.
Hmmm.. I don't know. Most of them I've already had to dinner at one point or another.

Two bloggers you would like to set up on a blind date.
I don't think that'd be a good idea. I used to be good at setting people up. Not so much anymore.

Somebody I wish had a blog?
I would have to say David Byrne. I'd bet he'd write some great stuff. I'd read it every day!

If you were only allowed to read one blog ever again, which blog would it be?
If David Byrne had one, it'd be his. I guess, since he doesn't, it'd have to be Enduro Fontzepontze. He's got valid points, and it's fucking hilarious

Is there a fellow blogger you would like to snog / shag / do rude things to? Feel free to name names if you're game.
Hmm.. I don't think so. Actually, that's my way of getting out of the question... But if you'd like to do those things to me, let me know:) I can think about it for a bit, then tell you no. But I promise I'll think about it.

Discover a blog. Link to a blog that you have recently found, or a blog you have been reading for a while and haven't blogrolled.
What is blogrolled? Apparently I'm not into this enough...

Tag five bloggers to complete this meme.
5? Okay...

Shana
Woodstock
Serena
Dirty Mikey
Jessica

On a different note, I know I had mentioned something back in December about going to get my level 1 gaming license. Got the letter today, I am officially approved. Ahh... sweet release. Thanks MGCB!

Somebody Told Me...

2006-02-21T19:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, post number two for the day. I learned my lesson a while ago about typing too much. For one thing, no one wants to intake that much information in one huge gulp, plus, on blogger at least (which is my real blog, I just repost on myspace for the most part), it likes to delete things on it's own will. Ugh.

Anyways, so I had mentioned that it must have been a slow news day. I just wanted to mention some of the amazing stories I caught while attempting to sleep.

First there was the story about the 33 pound cat. I can't remember the damn thing's name, but apparently it eats six pounds of chicken each day and apparently I really needed to know this.

Then I see something about the Detroit Zoo. This is actually a big story. Something about the government denied non-profit status and funding so the zoo might have to close. The city council won't hand over control, and the city can't afford to keep it. Oh, it's crazy. I haven't been to the zoo in forever. I remember the last time I went was with Sarah, Eric Hooper and Greg June. Actually, Greg didn't even want to go for some unknown reason. Finally, Sarah and I convinced him, and on the way there, got the whole story. Apparently, every time this man has gone to the zoo, the animals turn around and show their butts to him. This sounds completely ridiculous and over exaggerated. We laughed. Went in, and low and behold, walking around with Greg all day, I don't believe I saw the front of one animal. Is this really possible, you may ask? But it was like the animals were taunting him with their asses. Crazy. I'll bet he's celebrating that that vulgar filthy butt show is closing.

People are so concerned about the government setting up cameras everywhere. They were taking viewer mail. One lady said if she ever ran for a political office, she didn't want pictures of her picking her nose out there. OH MY GOD!! The end of the fucking world. Heh. I had to giggle. When I go to work, from the time I drive into the parking lot, to the time I leave, I'm on camera. It was really creepy to think about at first, but now I just laugh. Like about a month ago when i fell down the employee stairs. Thought good thing I was alone, then realized how surveilence was probably laughing their asses off.

Apparently a big thing is some book coming out about Gerald Ford. I guess he used to walk into the room and fart and blame it on his secret service agents. Really glad they took the time to tell me about this. Maybe if I had secret service, I would blame my dogs so much.

There is a marathon of the Match Game tonight on the game show network. Oh Gene Rayburn and his crazy microphone.

Also, there is now a mortality test. I don't qualify. Apparently you can't die before the age of 60. And even if you answer the worst for most of the questions, you still only have a 64% risk of death. What?!?!? I'm confused. Apparently I was under the illusion that every dies. How could I be living with such a lie?

I'm glad I dropped out of college now... Click and you'll understand

I did hear a good quote though.... "Always put YOUR oxygen mask on first before putting someone else's on them" and "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments"

News was over. And I can't pass up Maury Povich. Who can? The title of the show was "Brutal Crimes and Outrageous Moments Caught On Tape" Awesome!~ I think I fell asleep a bit after they showed the 13 year old kid with an enormously large head.

A Night In Tunisia...

2006-02-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Got home from the bar last night. Laid down on the couch to watch tv, fell asleep. Actually, just plain passed out. Woke up around 7, and couldn't sleep worth a shit. I crawled into bed and turned on the television. Boy, it must have been a slow news day today. And here comes my random writing. So much to say, without saying anything.

Anyways, at the bar. Nothing exciting. Had darts. The usual Monday night. Wasted, like usual. Shawn came up and we hung for a while. It was nice. We hadn't had a chance to talk lately. We had a good talk. He left. Shana and I started binge drinking. Then I could feel it, like a freight train. Fucking panic attack/asthma attack, whatever the hell it is. I went to my car and just sat there. Felt like someone had punched me in the chest and the back at the same time. Ugh. I thought I was done with this shit. Hasn't happened in forever. Plus it doesn't help that I didn't have any xanax. But that's a whole different story. Shana kept asking if I wanted to go to the hospital. I was really tempted. But what the hell were they going to do for me? Give me a steroid and make me wait. Okay, same things as sitting in my car. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine. Just kinda freaked me out a bit. When I got home, Dave called me. I mentioned to him what had happened, and how ashamed I felt. I guess it could have been worse, but I really don't like experiencing that or having two of my closest friends sitting there debating whether I should go to the hospital and I can't even catch my breath long enough to argue with them. Mortification occurred right in front of me and i couldn't even reach out to stop it. I know, I know, nothing to be embarrassed about. But still, I hate that it's out of my control and unpreventable. I just worry if I'm out with people that don't know me that well and it happens. Weird. Oh well. Thanks Shana and Mike. Sorry.

Speaking of weird shit that keeps happening. I think my memory is fucked. Yesterday, I went out. Shawn and I were talking about something and I was going to mention something that happened earlier in the day when I realized I had no idea what I was talking about. Now, you guys probably think nothing of it. God forbid I don't know what I'm talking about. But seriously, I keep forgetting things. I always have to check my phone in the morning to see if I talked to anyone. At times that gets interesting. Hmm.. What do they say, ginsing? Oh, I can't even remember. Oh, too many drugs. I remember the seventies even though I wasn't even there. Heh..

Ron and I are going to dinner again tonight. We went out last week on Valentine's Day. Fun stuff. Chinese food. It was quite delicious. It's funny, we both realized that was the first time we have hung out together outside of a bar. It was different. So, we thought korean food for the night. I don't know if my tummy can take it, but I guess we'll find out. It's nice to sit and have conversation about shit. I think I'm finally starting to open up. A LOT of shit has happened in the last week or so. Nothing I'm upset about or anything, just things occuring. And I'm finally sharing. Crazy. I like having a weekly "thing". Something to look forward to. Especially cause I'm working for 5 nights out of the week.

I had a thought. I want to go to a jazz club sometime soon. I know most of my friends would not find this the most amusing thing, but I think it'd be fun. I used to go down to the Music Menu down in Greektown. That place was great. Dark, and just typically jazzy. None of this bullshit trendy cocktail bar shit. I want it real. No pool tables. No barely legal kids jumping around. I want the leather booth, dim lights, good music, and good conversation. Just a thought.

Wow, I'm on a roll here...

So my mentor at work is moving to Illinois. I guess his party is on Thursday. And I'm working. That just sucks. He taught me a lot of stuff. But I hope the best for him. Thanks Bill!!!

It Ain't Me, Babe...

2006-02-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

What is the right age to have a baby? My mom had me when she was about my age. I know alot of people my age that already have kids. Is there a right time? Or do you just let nature take it's course? My niece, who's about three years younger than I got pregnant last year. 23. I suppose that's not a bad age. Well, she really doesn't want it. Always trying to pawn the baby off to her mother, who, by the way, had her when she was 16 or so. This caused me to have a conversation with my step-mom about if I ever get pregnant. 26. I figure that I'm old enough to have no regrets about it. It's not like I'm 12. And just about financially stable. So, if an accident happens, it won't be like in the movies where it's the end of the world. It could have been ten years ago. Not that I want to become pregnant, by any means. I don't know if I want kids period, let alone anytime soon. Just something I was thinking about. It just seems that anyone I meet anymore has kids. It's bizarre. I have a friend at work, Terry. Granted he's about 38, but I was hanging out with him the other night, and he just shows me a picture of his three boys. Oldest being 13. And I just thought, wow, half my age. Then my friend Dave. We were at the bar on Monday. He always talks about his son, Dave Jr. And I always just picture a minature version of him running around. Then he showed me a picture of him. And to see the way he talked about him. It's just so strange to me that we are getting to the age where fewer and fewer people seem to be in my situation, single, working, just not doing much. And more people are either in serious relationships, married, or they have kids from a previous relationship. Then I started thinking about dating these people. Could I ever be a step mother? Would being in one of these relationships be like dating the kids too? I don't think I could do that. I have enough trouble keeping a man, let alone his son/daughter. Or what if the kid ends up loving me, and things don't work out?

Why the hell am I thinking about this? Guess we're growing up.

Like Eating Glass...

2006-02-13T04:59:00.000-05:00

Last summer Shana, Mike, my friend Jenny, her boyfriend Mark, and my friend Jay went to some concert downtown. It was one of those radio station things with about 20 bands. They connected the Fox Theater and the State Theater with a stage outside in between. It was pretty awesome. At one point, for some reason, Shana and I lost everyone else. I think it was when we went inside to go to the bathroom. I remember Sum 41 was playing outside and they all went to watch it. Anyways, we were mesmerized by Motion City Soundtrack. Ended up watching the whole set. Then went outside. Instead of going to the front of the massive crowd, we just hung in the back for a while, when Shana spotted Darren McCarty. Shana just loves celebrity sightings, so after a bit of talking, I went to go say hello. I believe we were slightly tipsy. Anyways, he recognized me from the casino (he used to come play almost every night). We were conversing, and I could just see Shana waiting for her moment. She kinda ran up, introduced herself, said nice to meet you and such and kinda ran away. Along with myself. We told everyone, yippee...

Fast forward to tonight. I was in the extension poker pit. Went on break, came back. While checking the must move list for the no limit game, I realized the "Darrin M" on the list was in fact Darren McCarty. No big deal. Like I said, he used to come in on a nightly basis. I looked at him and said hello and he smiled, said hello, and kinda gave me a look. For the next three hours, he kept giving me looks. It was almost creepy. He knows. He remembers. Oh, the wasted girls that bombarded him at the concert over the summer. I could just tell. Then when he went inside, there was a moment. And he just said "nice to see you again." Ugh. Well, at least I was sober this time.

Hold On To Your Dream...

2006-02-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands
in moments of comfort and convenience, but where
he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm watching the Cosby Show, like usual last night/this morning. Same as any morning. This has become a pathetic ritual of mine. It was the episode where Vanessa gets a D on her history test and steals Denise's sweater. Always amusing. That crazy Vanessa. The episode is ending with Rudy sitting on the couch watching tv. The family enters the room one by one and they notice what she is watching. Martin Luther King, Jr was on the television making his "I have a dream..." speech. Starting at the part of letting freedom ring. I'm not real sure of the significance of this appearing at the end of this episode. As I watched, I got chills. I have heard bits of the speech as quoted. But I had never actually heard the actual delivery by Mr King himself. I think I have to admit that I never really got it until now. Yeah, so there are civil rights activists, so we get the day off from school, I have a dream, blah blah blah. But something clicked. I understand this speech is a staple for the African American race, but it pertains to all of us. Granted the word Negro is used, but that doesn't mean that the meaning isn't there for everyone.
And there was something about Mr King's delivery. People make speeches all the time, but this was different than most. The easiest way to compare is like the difference between reading song lyrics and feeling the rhythm and beat of the song.
Now, I know absolutely nothing about history. And I mean nothing. Shana and I used to sit in the office of our old work and she would tell me bible stories, cause I just didn't know them. And I don't think I've ever passed a history class in my life. I will even admit that all I know about Martin Luther King, Jr is that he was some sort of activist and there was a march occuring on Washington. I don't know why he was chosen to speak or who he was before this speech. I do know that my mom and step-dad and uncle used to tell me about the time my uncle said he was going to a friends house for a few days and snuck off on a bus to Washington to march with Martin Luther King, Jr. My grandma never even knew until a few years ago. She was pretty shocked, to say the least.
Uncle Don was a pretty amazing guy. He taught me a lot. He used to tell me stories all the time about the marches and protests and such. I have never met anyone that fought so much. Up to the end. Yes, he was white, but he was a white man in the million man march. Not for the whites or the blacks, but for the bigger meaning.
Yes, he was a gay man. But you never would have known. Yes, he died from AIDS complications, but he fought harder than his body could. That is a whole different story for a whole different time. But he taught me to stand up for beliefs. He taught me that things can be better. He taught me that I can make a difference. He inspired me. And Mr King inspired him. I never really understood it until this morning.

Thanks for the inspiration.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.
Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.
But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.
In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.
It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.
But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.
We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.
As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.
I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."
And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!
Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!
But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Sleep All Day...

2006-02-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

Wish I could sleep all day. Ever watch tv and litterally laugh out loud at everything? Thats what I did all night last night. I had tivo'd Jimmy Kimmel. Anyone watch it? Absolutely hilarious. I'm still kinda giggling about it. Really not much to talk about today, considering I just got out of bed. Last night was more than exhausting. Watching four roulette tables and two blackjack. Craziness. It's funny how I get two days off, but one is always wasted with sleep. Mom's in Pittsburgh right now, so I think Duane and I are gonna head out to the bar in a bit. Why not. I really don't have anything to say. If anyone wants to come out tonight, you know where I'll be.

And for my last post, again, it's not directed toward anyone specifically. I just want to make that clear. And thanks for letting me vent. Everyone needs to every once in a while.

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends...

2006-02-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

Driving home from Mike's this morning after a long long night of Superbowl madness. I got off of 96 at Newburgh and noticed a car up on an embankment. Actually, to be accurate, it was a hearse. How much does that suck?

Secondly, a note to Shana, that was supposed to be a slam on me, not you. People, let it go! I have never met so many people that just let things linger for so long. Some shit happened last week, everyone's over it. Everyone has found their happy place and only the people that were there really know what happened anyways, and the backing situation. If you'd like to understand, you are more than welcome to ask before you run off judging and insulting. But who the fuck cares? It's over. Everyone is cool with each other. This happens everytime something happens. So glad I work nights. Way too much drama in this group. And I believe that everyone knows that. I'm not real sure why they keep letting it happen. Except the fact that some people live on drama. I'm not saying that my friends do, but that's the only explanation I can find for some things. We are all grown adults. Let's act like it. This post is not directed toward one particular person or group of peoples. I'm just venting. I'm confused about things that are occuring. But, then again, I really don't give a shit. I love my friends. Nothing will change that. Even those that love the drama. Just, please, keep me out of it.

Everything Is Alright...

2006-02-04T04:39:00.000-05:00

I have to say I'm good at what I do. I guess I should preface this with the fact that I don't usually boast about things that I'm good at. Primarily because I'm really not that good at much. But I'm damn good at my job. Tonight was a fucking circus. I have never seen the casino that busy. Ever. We had every single poker table going, plus at least about 40 people on each list for each table. I was the only one on the main floor. Running around 8 tables (approx 76 people) answering questions, fixing mistakes, filling seats, moving people from must move tables, keeping in correspondance with the extension pit, doing headcounts, and cleaning up after the slobs. There was just no stopping whatsoever. But I kept that place running smooth. Only had one guy complain, and smoothed that over real quick. I actually had several players come up to tell me how impressed they were and what a good job I was doing. It's days like today that make everything worth it. I do love my job. And I'm so glad to know that I'm really good at it. There was so long after I got promoted where I felt as though I just wasn't cut out for it and I got promoted by mistake. I proved all those feelings wrong. I even had a player call me while I was on break, cause he didn't see me when he was leaving to tell me good job. Everyone that was up there tonight was on fire. On the ball. Hopefully it's like that again tomorrow. Cause it's only gonna get crazier. It's just really nice to have the validation at times.

Unfortunatly, no recent celebrity sightings. Been too busy to even notice. I did hear Jerome Bettis was there and a few others. I'll keep my eyes out.

Something About You...

2006-01-30T19:34:00.000-05:00

The televisions in our break rooms are contolled by some higher power. There are no controllers or buttons on the tvs, for that matter. There seems to be one person that is designated to change the channels. Therefore, we always watch ESPN on one, and CNN on the other. Unless there's a game on another station, of course. So, last week, me and my pit Brian were sitting in the smoke room watching The Best Damn Sports Show Period. I pointed out Chris Rose to him. And made dibs. We always fight over the men, and I got this one first. I told him that if he ever came in here, he HAD to hook me up. Anyways, for those of you that don't know, he is the original host of this show, and a respected sports journalist. Fast forward to yesterday. Poker room. Nothing unusual. Brian told me to go give Mike a break in the extension pit. Sure, whatever. I walk over there, grab the headset and such, turn around, and there he is. Now, I don't get starstruck very easily. And I don't stumble on words often. All I did was turn back around, press the mic button and say to Brian "I hate you so much" to which he responded with "You owe me so much". Now, I had an idea that Chris Rose was in the building, since they taped last night's show in one of our restaurants. And the fact that my last break, I was walking downstairs and ran into John Salley, who, in turn walked me to the break room. We had talked whether they were staying to gamble, and he said no. So, when I get upstairs and see him, I was very surprised.
We ended up having a good half hour conversation. Such a nice guy. When Mike came back from break, I went to Mr Rose and told him it was very nice meeting him and such, and we kinda hugged. I got back in the main room, and Brian was laughing his ass off. All I could say was "I need to go have a cigarette". I don't get like that often. Actually, never, but there are only a chosen few that can get me flustered like that. God forbid Chris Isaak walks in there this week.
Who knows who we'll see! I'll try and keep up with a running list... Should be a good week.

Paranoid Android...

2006-01-26T16:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a dream so real that you wake up and you don't know where you are? Last night, I had this dream. The details are fuzzy, but there's just a couple parts that are so clear... I was sitting at home or something and my diverticulitis started acting up. Anyone who knows me, knows I have this. See a few posts ago for explanation. I end up being rushed to the hospital and the most vivid thing I remember is them sticking some sort of tube down my throat with a bag attached to the end. Like a colostemy bag for my throat? And I gagged and coughed and threw up a little in the bag. It was so vivid, I remember the puke was a dark gray/brown color with a mud like consistency. So, my dream continues, and I'm walking around with this tube in my throat. And I can feel it. Then I end up at someone's house waiting for surgery. I tried to talk, and threw up. Forcing the tube out of my throat. Now, this is gross, but I woke up at this point. To the right of my mouth was a small pile of spit. In my dream, after I threw up, I kept spitting. Well, apparently, I really did it. So, I started looking around to see if I threw up somewhere and didn't know about it. This dream was very bizarre. And I have nothing better to do, so I'm gonna find out of I can find a meaning. I don't believe dreams can predict the future and such. But I do think your subconcious comes out in ways. I don't know what I'm talking about...

According to Dream Moods:

Vomiting
To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.

Spit
To spit in your dream, signifies an aspect of yourself that you need to get rid of. Alternatively, spitting may represent anger and contempt.

Pain
To dream that you are in pain, signifies that you are being too hard on yourself with regards to a situation that was out of your control. It may also be a true reflection of real pain that exists somewhere in your body. Dreams can reveal and warn about health problems.

Hmmm... I guess this kinda makes sense. I just wish I hadn't spit all over my pillow in the process.

Nothing's Impossible...

2006-01-24T03:04:00.000-05:00

So, slightly intoxicated. Will be as coherant as I can, cause this really is important.

Last Saturday, I was at work. On break. No one really ever calls me at work, cause they know I can't answer. Phone rings. It's my friend Jay. My only college friend, as most of you know. All he said was "Hey, what time do you get off?" 4am. "I really wanna see you. I need to talk to you" Um, well, I'm not off till four. "Promise you'll call me when you get off." Sure, whatever

Now, Jay is no nightowl. He gets up at the asscrack of dawn. Way before I ever think about going to bed. This is how I knew it was important. Called him on the way home. No answer. I came home, and was sitting here, chatting with Chud (which is the occurance of the whole microwave conversation) when my phone rings at about 545am. It was Jay. He had gone to the trouble of setting his alarm so he would wake up and be able to talk to me on my hours. At this point, I knew it had to be good. He proceeds to tell me he got completely kicked out of the college of engineering at Wayne State. Not on probation, not suspended, kicked out. He has a job as an engineer that any furthering of his career depended on his degree. Fucking crazy. I felt horrible for him. He admits it's his fault completely, but doesn't know what to do at this point. While I'm flattered that he specifically called me and set his alarm to get my advice, what am I supposed to tell him? I mean, look at me. I got lucky. I got an awesome job that I would never trade for the world, and dropped out of college. Granted, I can't see myself doing anything else, I still feel like a failure for not finishing school.

We talked a bit. And came to one conclusion at least. You know how they tell you in high school that whatever you do then will effect the rest of your life? What bullshit that is. Granted, yes, maybe some things may change, but nothing you can't fix. But from talking to Jay, we concluded that we, as well as many of you others, are at the point where are decisions may actually make a difference. I mean, mid to late twenties. This is one point of our lives where we can change our direction. I told him that this was some sort of sign that maybe he should re-evaluate why he's going to school and what he actually wants to do, cause if he wants to change it, now's the time.

Then he mentioned my situation. I stopped going. I don't really have a valid reason why. I was a semester and about 2 classes away from a philosophy degree. I don't know why I stopped going, but I have realized, after our conversation, I want to go back. But not philosophy. I miss school dearly. And I can never move on from where I am without finishing. I think I'm going to talk to an advisor, see what I have to do, and double major in math and biology or bioethics. Granted, I don't want to stop what I'm doing, but I think I have to prove something to myself in this case. This is not for my parents. This is not for my friends. This is not for society. This is for me. I know my life will not change, and I know I will not necessarily change, nor do I want to, but this is what I need. I just hope Jay can figure out what he needs to do. And, as shitty as it sounds, I hate to take someone else's disappointment and anguish and turn it into my motivation, but I thank him for pointing out what I need.

The Distance...

2006-01-22T06:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever googled yourself?

I was just poking around and found out that I died on December 19th, 1955 and I was non-white. Reincarnation? Hmm...

Apparently I would go to cooking school if I won the lottery.

I set the short course record for 200 Free in swimming in the 10 and under catagory last week.

I am the vice president of Vizionary Designz (I obviously did not name the place with my dislike of the replacing the s with z).

And I finished the Eisenhower half-marathon in 110th place running at the pace of a 17 minute mile. My legs still ache.

According to the wall of heroes, Liz Nichols is my hero... and my mother? I knew I was adopted!

I came in 571st place in 2000 Trick or Trot held by LRL. (Sarah came in 572). Yeah, it was tough...

The Salina Newcomers and Friends newsletter said I did a wonderful job on their Easter party

After graduating from high school in 1994, I started my own web design business to further my Mary Kay cosmetics business.

I instruct a body sculpting class called Pump on Tuesdays and Thursdays 6-7pm

Then there's this...

I married a man named Samuel Yocum

Well, there have been many times I didn't think I accomplish much, but I would like to just take this opportunity to thank everyone for their kind words. Especially the Salina newsletter. I'll keep up the good work...

On a completely seperate note, I would like to give a big DAMN YOU to Oprah for freaking me out about the microwave. Now I'm creeped out by it...

So Much For The Afterglow...

2006-01-20T12:49:00.000-05:00

Post Number 100! Ahh... Who cares.

So, you may be wondering why I'm up so early. 1245? That's just crazy! Well, it's cause I was woken up by the doorbell. Several times. I really do believe my past is finally coming to haunt me. Either that, or I'm in spacetime. This first started a couple days ago. Went to the bar like usual. Had a really bad night. Hence the last few posts. Got home, and was checking my myspace, like usual. Found a friend request from this guy Tom. Now, about 5 years ago, Tom and I started to semi-date, whatever it was. Nothing serious by any means. I ended up with someone else, and so did he, but we remained super close. Anyways, shit happens, didn't talk to him for years. Ran into him up at Chatters. We hung out a couple times. Things got weird. Like just so much tension. I think feelings from so long ago were revisited. The necessary apologies were made. Things happened. Feelings were expressed. I know, for myself, I was not ready for anything, and I'm pretty positive neither was he. Anyways, of course, we don't talk, again. Now he finds me on myspace? Not that I'm upset about it, but I kinda came to terms I would never talk to him again. I do miss him, and love him dearly. Once again, apologies were made. Hopefully this time we can remain in touch. One situation where you do learn from mistakes, I suppose. Anyways, so that was a beginning.
The next day, I was up for work, just fucking around like usual. Went upstairs and checked my phone(when I get up for the day, I usually leave my phone upstairs for a while, as to not have to deal with anything for a while). Anyways, got a text message from my friend Brian. I have not talked to him for a while. Like 8 months? He sent me a happy birthday message, but that's about it. No reason we haven't talked. Just haven't. And all it said was "Hey. How are you?" We chatted back and forth for a bit. No big deal. Apparently he was out with this guy Marc that I dated in high school. Okay, that's a little strange.
Went to work and ran into my friend Rob. Rob, Joe, Sarah and a group of us used to hang out every Thursday? Maybe it was Wednesday. Running into Rob is not that odd of an occurrence anymore. He comes and plays poker. We were talking about getting everyone together again, just once. So, while I'm typing, Joe, I'm supposed to mention that to you. It's funny, cause I think I see Rob more than Joe now.
Last night, go to work. Normal shit, different day. One of the no-limit players and I were talking. The no-limit guys are pretty nice for the most part. They love joking around with me and teasing me and such. It's like a group of big brothers. Hell, one day, I was in the pit extension, singing Michael Jackson's PYT with them when the shift manager walked up. Talk about being mortified. She laughed. Okay, so anyways, this one guy, Terry and I talk a lot. Really nice guy. He always talks about how he needs to find a girlfriend so he doesn't spend all his time up there and such. We joke about him looking in the casino bars. And I tell him what a quality woman he'll find there. Last night, he calls me over to the table cause he was about to tell a story. He tells something about some band with girl singer and the girl got mad at the crowd so she pulled out a bloody tampon and threw it at someone. Right away, I looked at him, and asked him why he was compelled to tell me this story. He just looked at me and said "I thought you'd like that." I almost had the inclination to throw a bloody tampon at him. Apparently, I look like I enjoy such things. Okay, well, I do love a disgusting/funny story. So, anyways, Terry gets up to leave. I said something to the sorts of "Are you going to scope out the bar for a girl?" And we chat about how he needs to get out of there. And he says "At least you're married". Oh. My response.... "Really? I think I missed it." Apparently everyone thinks I'm married. Hmm... Bizarre. And that's not the first time it was mentioned to me. Whatever. It's probably better off that way.
Okay, to the reason I'm up so damn early. My doorbell kept ringing. To the point I had to get out of bed. There was a van in my driveway. Looks just like Rev's van. I thought something was wrong. Especially because I heard from him around 8am, seeing if I was up. So I go down, open the door. Low and behold it's Jimmy. Oh, I don't even know where to start. Jimmy, Melissa, Shana and I were like the best of friends. Some shit happened, Jimmy went off and got married and didn't tell us, oh, pure craziness. Things were not left on the best of terms. It's been about a year since we have seen him. He stopped up at the casino once over the summer. I talked to him a bit, and Melissa completely shunned him. She is still really pissed. Now, I have always practiced the art of forgiveness. He did not do anything to me personally, except the getting married shit, but hell, I'm over it. There were rumors about him and Melissa. Now, we all know the truth. Anyways, this gets into a much bigger issue, but everyone is entitled to their feelings. I'm just glad he's still alive. He's clean, no more coke. Trying to get shit together. He stopped by to talk. And we did for about 2 hours. He asked about everyone, I gave him brief summaries. He said he wanted to come out sometime. I told him as long as Melissa wasn't there, I think it'd be fine. I just really don't want them to get into something that just isn't going to be resolved. I really do miss him, and it's a shame that things will never be the same. Still have not met his wife. Kinda curious. When he left, it felt really strange. Like so many things were still unsaid. How, when you have such a great falling out with someone that you were so close to, do you repair things? Especially when you're woken out of one of the best sleeps you've had in a while. I'm not even sure who to tell that he stopped by. I don't want to upset anyone or whatever. Well, obviously, if you read this, you know. I just believe forgiving someone is sometimes the best things you can ever do for yourself. God knows, if you know me, you know I have forgiven some things I probably never should have.
So this is my week of things past haunting me. Kinda strange. Wonder what's going to happen tonight... I don't think much could top today.

Thanks for listening.

God Put A Smile Upon Your Face...

2006-01-19T15:57:00.000-05:00

Just crawled out of bed and found out this is the last day my mom will be home all day. She starts back to work again tomorrow. It has been about six weeks since her surgery, and you could just tell she was getting ansy. And I was beyond ansy. It's frustrating to be the only one going to work everyday. And with no alone time. No house to myself. So, her last day home, they go to the casino. This has become a new hobby of theirs. To the point that I go to work at night and the day shift people tell me how they met my parents and how great they are and blah blah. That's when I know my work and home lives are meshing a bit too much. I'm just glad my house will finally return to the slight resemblance of normalcy like before. I have my routine, see my mom three times a week, and Duane does his thang. Whatever that may be. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and all. She's a great person. But we are a bit too much alike. And I know how much she's itching to get back to work. I think my step-dad's driving her a bit crazy. And the dogs are just plain worn out. It's been a long month or so. And thank god it's over.

Austin...

2006-01-18T16:47:00.000-05:00

Ahhh.... A new day. Back to work. I'm actually pretty happy about this. Kinda like a vacation from everything else. Feeling a bit better today. Slept pretty shitty, but what's new. Talked to my friend Chris. Think Texas is sounding like a good idea. He's been bugging me for years to come visit. I just hope I have the money for it. Fucking Wayne State and their bills is killing me. Looking at late February though, so that will at least give me some time. Never been to Texas. Cowboy hats kinda freak me out, so that'll be interesting. Again, this all depends on cash flow. Either way, it's comforting to think of the possibility of vacation.

Back to work today. And I have no clean suits. Dryell is the best shit ever! Hopefully I can make it one more week before going to the cleaners. I know, it's disgusting, but hell, as soon as I walk in the door I smell like crap anyways, so, really, unless I'm planning some sort of rondevous in the parking lot before work, I could care less what I smell like.

Just wanna say sorry to everyone. I really gotta stop holding shit inside. I'll be fine. Think I just need to sleep better or something. Anyways, thanks. Love all of you.

Pictures Of You...

2006-01-18T02:51:00.000-05:00

I really miss those days of being around people and they just know what's wrong. I mean, nothing against any of my best friends now. I don't let myself out like I used to.. This is my fault, not anyone else's. You all try so hard, and I just bottle it up. I feel horrible about that, and I want to officially apologize. I do want to say thanks to Ron for knowing how to deal with it tonight. Anyways, I need to take a trip. For personal reasons, it's hard to explain, I need to go to Texas. I'll let y'all know when I'm going.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Do You Want To Know A Secret...

2006-01-17T02:45:00.000-05:00

I had this big thing in my mind to post. I've decided, by better judgment, not to. Nothing to weird or anything. Just random thoughts. Anyways, a friend of mine's daughter attempted suicide this weekend. Got me thinking... I'll get over it.

Am I a bad person? I try to help, but I just can't do all that I want sometimes.

Why am I not where I want to be? Or am I? Am I holding myself back?

Who can I talk to? I know I have people that I can, but it's so damn hard to admit my feelings. I think I just need someone to sit me down and force it out of me. Tough love. That's gotta be my remedy.

How am I viewed by others? And do I really care?

If I don't, then why not?

Am I too independant? Do I not rely on others enough? Should I?

Is my past coming back to haunt me? If not, will it?

Why am I not in school? Am I that lazy?

Do other people get as much criticism (from others or themselves) as myself?

Just things that I've been thinking about. Like I said, I'll get over it.

One Step Up...

2006-01-16T04:43:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning my house was cold
Checked out the furnace she wasn't burnin'
Went out and hopped in my old Ford
Hit the engine but she ain't turnin'
We've given each other some hard lessons lately
But we ain't learnin'
We're the same sad story that's a fact
One step up and two steps back

Bird on a wire outside my motel room
But he ain't singin'
Girl in white outside a church in June
But the church bells they ain't ringing
I'm sittin' here in this bar tonight
But all I'm thinkin' is
I'm the same old story same old act
One step up and two steps back

It's the same thing night on night
Who's wrong baby who's right
Another fight and I slam the door on
Another battle in our dirty little war
When I look at myself I don't see
The man I wanted to be
Somewhere along the line I slipped off track
I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back

There's a girl across the bar
I get the message she's sendin'
Mmm she ain't lookin' to married
And me well honey I'm pretending
Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms
The music was never-ending

- Thank you Bruce -

Whoop! There It Is...

2006-01-15T04:17:00.000-05:00

Well, apparently I have been the subject of a tag... DAMN! And I was ducking and weaving the whole time...

Four jobs you have had:
Waitress/Karaoke Hostess (Even though it was at Chatters, it still counts)
Senior Manager at a movie theater
Credit Assistant - Erb Lumber
Casino Floor Supervisor - MotorCity Casino

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Halloween (any of them)
Rope
Better Off Dead
True Stories

Four places you've lived:
Livonia, MI
Westland, MI
Well, if you want to count my Dad's houses, Riverview, MI
Farmington Hills, MI

Four TV shows you love to watch:
The Cosby Show
Lost
Gilmore Girls (Oh, save the insults and heckling. Very well written)
Breaking Vegas

Four places you've been on vacation:
Switzerland
Germany
Las Vegas
Toronto

Four of your favorite foods:Any kind of potato (especially Latkas)
Spinach, and most concoctions made with it
Feta cheese pita from Pita Pit
Pierogies

Four places you'd rather be right now:
Somewhere with booze
Vegas
Anywhere with a man that I actually care for keeping me warm
Did I say somewhere with booze?

Four sites I visit daily:
Various blogs
Myspace
Wayne State's Mail Server
The Saddest Caveman

Four Bloggers you are tagging:
Oh Christ... who's left? If they were tagged from the other one, I can tag them with this one, right?
Scooter
RicktheTalent
Peaj
Shana (you can always do yours on your myspace blog)

Okay, done. Back to nothing.

What's New Pussycat...

2006-01-14T17:03:00.000-05:00

Came across this site. It says it's restoring the lost art of modification for housepets by stuffing them into glass jars. Is this for real? Square and rectangular shaped kittens? They are stuffing them into glass boxes with a small air hole and feeding tube to reshape their bone structure and make them geometrical. Is this legal? They have pictures of them putting the kittens into these glass boxes. Saying that first they drug the kittens with valium. Then when someone writes in saying they were going to report their practices to the Animals Rights people, they responded with "We would like to invite you to our facility to play with our latest collection of tetrahedral kitties, and our dodecahedral cat that is the mother of them all." I'm kinda curious what the phone number goes to. Okay, after reading some more, there is no way this is real. They did a pretty good job in the site, I will admit. I can only imagine those that believe it just trying to hand their asses to them. This is definitely crossing the line here. But I will say that if you go to the news section and click on the Bonsai Kitten Kids page, it kinda made me chuckle. Also, the "stuffed bonsai cat" you can order. Yeah, I think I'm going to hell. At first I was a bit torn, but now I'm starting to see the humor in this. Oh god, save me a seat on the hell bus guys! I'm on my way!

So, had another crazy dream last night. This time it was about my friend Chris. He lives in Texas. Used to live up here. Was my friend Chet's roommate in college, so we got to know each other pretty well. Irony is that I don't talk to Chetto anymore, but Chris and I will converse sometimes on a regular basis. I love him. He is an amazing person. Anyways, so, dream is a bit hazy now, since I've actually been awake for a while (had to compromise to type today after the "incident" last night with losing my post.) As far as I remember, I was moving into a house. And when I got there, I had two roommates. I cannot remember who the girl was for the life of me, but Chris was there. It was weird though. He didn't say too much. Like he didn't even know me. Bizarre. Maybe I'll call him later. Ever do that? Have a dream about someone, and it almost carries into real life? There have been many times where I've dreamt that I was fighting with someone and I'll call them or they'll call me and I think either that they're mad at me or I'm pissed at them and just don't know why. It's strange how your mind works. Anyways, off to work. See ya!

Next Exit...

2006-01-14T05:29:00.000-05:00

Fucking computer! I just wrote this fabulous post about my evening and a fight I got into at work. And a great conversation about non-classifiable words with Chud, and it's all fucking gone. Damn Damn Damn! Thought about trying to retype it, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. Motherfucker! Well, at least I can give the gist of it. I was at work, sitting on dice, and some caldian guy got really mad cause we were booking his bets in our "American accents" and it offended him. Now, I'm not the least bit racist, don't get me wrong. But what the fuck?!? I don't get it. Other things ensued. Ended up funny. Whatever. I'm over it now. I'm gonna go drink my real orange pop now. Hey Chud, another one! Orange! (I only say real because the other day I really wanted some orange pop and I grabbed the bottle from the gas station. Waited till I got on the freeway, opened the bottle, and discovered it was peach. Nasty)

Anyone familiar with the song "I know what boy's like" by the Waitresses? I heard it on the way home. What an awful song! Who writes this shit? I mean, the chorus is a bit catchy, but I dare you to listen to the whole thing. Now it's stuck in my head. My personal favorite verse is the one that consists of them whining like children just saying "na na na na na" over and over. What a wasted three minutes... along with the twenty minutes I wasted typing tonight. Damn computer. Actually, now that I think about it, I had another window open with myspace open. It was probably the damn myspace that fucked it all up! Why is myspace ruining my life? Okay, so I probably shouldn't go that far. That's getting a bit ridiculous. But still, it's like crack. You just can't get away from it, but it really doesn't do much to improve your life. Like being sucked into a big black hole.

My fingers are done typing now. I'm sad.

Obstacle 1

2006-01-10T17:46:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent me to a site that he had found where he made a list of his top 47 albums. It's called Rate Your Music. Initially it started with a message saying how he knew how much I love music and such and to check out his list and that I should make one of my own. I have never made a list. I don't know why, because anyone that knows me, knows my abosolute adoration for a wide range of music. So, why not? Beats filling out countless myspace surveys about the same damn thing. So I went to this site. Got through two albums (Radiohead "The Bends" and Social Distortion "Live At The Roxy") and gave up. I wasn't starting in any particular order. I was just typing in what came to mind. Then I came to the realization that this wasn't a good idea. I don't think I could do it. Too many choices, too many ways to screw up my list. Maybe one day. I'll just stick that on my list of things to do before I die. Not right now.

Too Darn Hot...

2006-01-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

I have gotten into the strangest habit lately. Since all of the seasons for shows are in hiatus, there really is nothing on television. I have begun just randomly recording movies. And quite a variety. From The Prince and Me to Delieverance. There's something for everyone. When I get home at 4am, I'll just turn on a movie. I've ended up watching some fucked up shit. The other day I recorded some National Lampoons movie. I think it was Dorm Days or something of the sort. Now, from what I recall, National Lampoon movies have always been amusing, or at least entertaining. What the hell happened here? They must've revamped their whole writing staff. The only notable actor in this movie was Tatyana Ali. Ashley from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Wow, it was bad. So that's not my point. I taped something the other day and watched it last night. A movie called Kinsey. With Liam Neeson and Laura Linney. Absolutely outstanding. Apparently this movie came out in 2004 and I completely missed it. It revolves around the life and work of Alfred Kinsey. A zoologist/entomologist that began studying human sexuality in the 1940's. Obviously, this was not taken kindly to. Anyways, this movie focuses on his research and how it affected his personal life. At times, it almost resembles some sort of porn, but, hell, that can only add to a movie. I found this just so fascinating. I know, I'm a nerd, but I just bought a biography on him. I do believe it will prove to be a good read. If anyone else has seen this movie, let me know. I loved it.

Well, I'm skipping work tonight. No particular reason. I know the next couple weeks are going to be insane around there with the Auto Show and the Superbowl, so I figured I'd get out while I can. Going to dinner with Shana and Sarah, then to the bar. Claddagh anyone?

NARC...

2006-01-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a new year. Gee, still feels like any other day. It seems as though people have this giant misconception that right at midnight on December 31st, when it becomes a new year, that some miracle will occur. Where everything will change and become better. Everything will become new and untarnished. A way of washing away all that has happened and starting completely over. Now, come on, reality anyone? When you wake up the next day, it's all still gonna be there. I'm sorry to ruin anyone's day, but if you haven't noticed, as things calm down over the holiday, everything is still there. With that being said, Chicago was fun. I think we wore ourselves out. Bars being open until 5am is slightly dangerous. We found a little hole in the wall bar that my friend's daughter works at. It was pretty packed, but a really good time. And cheap. Two beers and a vodka/7 was $3.50. Total. We got the mad hook-up. I actually got a little homesick for a bit. I'm not sure why. I think I was just people-sick. That's okay. Came back Monday and went out. Met up with Ron, Mikey, Shawn at the bar.

Last night went out, then to Rev's for basebowling. First of all though, we had to find Rev. The last I knew leaving the bar, he had tried to walk through the Taco Bell drive through and now was somewhere on Wildwood between Warren and Cherry Hill. So, I'm driving with my brights on, with Bobby following, then all of the sudden, Bobby was gone. Apparently Rev called him from some woods. So we went to track him down. Bobby and I went looking for this jungle of dead trees. Finally we see a struggling figure near the back. After navigating our way through, we find him, and tell him to come back. Then, it's like the sea parted. Rev just stomped his way right through while Bobby and I were in the back getting tangled and stepping in sinkholes. Apparently extreme drunkeness hightens some people's navigational and hiking skills. Not mine. Anyways, so we get out. And Rev just completely face plants right into a small snow bank. It was pretty funny. Bobby has pictures. Finally, after a very disturbing and angering car ride, we made it to the house. What a fucking trip. At first, the basebowl was pretty unentertaining. But, as the night went on, and more glass started flying, the better it got. It was me, Chud, Rev, Bobby, and some guy named Chris. I broke a few bottles. Actually we all did. It was kinda sad when we started running out of bottles. Glass everywhere. I believe I was the only one that came out without an injury. But on the way home I was drinking my gatorade. I swear that I swallowed a piece of glass. I could feel it stuckin my throat. Anyways, yes, if you don't know what basebowling is, go here. I can't even start to explain it. All I can say is "You all ready for this?" It's a nice way to get out some aggression. As soon as I get some pictures, I'll put them on my myspace. Which will have New Year's pictures as soon as I recieve them.

So I have a lot on my mind today as I'm thinking of going back to work. Some things were said to me last night that, for one, were completely uncalled for, and two, for some reason still bothering me. What did I do? I don't really get it. Whatever. I'll get over it.

Also, I'm sure someone around can relate... Is it weird when you don't talk to someone for a great while. Even months, but you get called looking for information? What happened to such phrases as "How are you?" or "Gee, sorry we haven't talked in so long". Instead it's "So, tell me this" and "What did this person say" and such bullshit. I am not a babysitter. I am not an informant.

I am going to work. Even though I don't feel as though I should. Goodnight all. Have a good day.

The New Year...

2005-12-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

This is officially my end of the year post. Not too big on this. I see it as another day. So many people believe it's the new beginning or some sort of day of revelation. What? It's just another day. Why can't you make resolutions for your birthday, or Flag Day? Does it really make a difference when you're going to break your promises to yourself? Anyways, we are going to Chicago. Me, Mike and Shana. I'm really excited. No plans were made around here. Apparently everyone was waiting for me to figure out what we were all doing, while, all the same, I was waiting for someone else to do it. Heh. Kinda amusing. So, I up and thought of Chicago. Really trying to get Ron to go. He's kinda on the edge. I know he won't, but the idea is still nice to think about.

So I guess I should say a few words about this year. Let's see, a lot of shit happened. And a lot never did. Looking back, I do not want to make the assumption this was a bad or good year. Cause, logically, the same kinda shit is gonna happen next year. It's a never ending cycle. I'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. As bad as things are one year, we seem to forget about it by the end of the next year. Thinking how bad that year was and so on and so on. It's what you make of it. As for resolutions, I'm not going to bother. False hope for myself. Another way to let myself down, no thanks.

I have met a lot of great people this year. And done a lot of things differently that I would normally have. And I don't regret a thing. See y'all next year. xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo

I will now leave you with a few words from Henry Rollins:

Sometimes I feel like glass - if I breathe too hard, I will implode. I can feel ground glass in my guts. I am an alien and I don't remember the last time a human made me feel anything at all. Sometimes I feel frozen like a piece of iron. Like a factory that's been shut down. Yeah, right now I am frozen. My thoughts are frozen fingers, like a spider made of ice. In your eyes I see a flame. It draws me to you. You are everything to me.
....
Tonight my heart incinerates my guts. My eyes freeze and burn in their sockets. Have you ever fallen into yourself and gotten lost? I'm so far from them, yet at times I wish for them. I wish I could understand them and deal with them without all the pain and bitterness that comes with contact. At times I wish for them to touch me. Strangers pass by me in this wounded leaking night.
They burn me, vile weaklings. I hide my face in my hands when they pass knowing my gaze would turn them to stone. They can't stop my eyes from their righteous penetration. They see too much. I want to smash my head like a pig bank. Stick pins into my eyes and let it all pour onto the floor. There must be kindness in blindness because there is none here.
....
Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

-Henry Rollins "Black Coffee Blues"

The Drugs Don't Work...

2005-12-28T04:20:00.000-05:00

Gotta organize my thoughts.

First of all, driving home from work, a van came speeding up behind me. Granted I was going about 15 over on 96, but that's still only 80. Anyways, van comes up, and turns on blinking police lights. All the sudden panic set in. I had just been talking to my parents earlier today about car insurance and how I have not gotten a ticket since about 1998. For some strange reason, I turned down my radio and hit the brakes. How weird is it that when something happens, or you're looking for something you always turn down the radio? Anyways, I realized, I don't know protocal when it comes to pulling over. Do you pull on the left side? Or go all the way to the right shoulder? I really don't know... And as soon as the panic began, the lights shut off. The van pulled to my right. I looked over, and it's one of the cops from the casino. He's laughing. And waving. Yeah, real fucking funny.

Now, it's funny how sometimes in your life things happen. And when they happen, you just observe, as much as you may be involved in the event. And you think to yourself, this is the pure definition of something. That was the poker room tonight. A textbook example of chaos. At first I tried to create some sort of order. Then just had to give in and sit back and watch it happen. Absolute craziness. The worst part, we all had to resort to drugs to make it through the night. Sonny had taken three darvacet. Bill took two percosets. My pit needed something, so I gave him a xanax and took one myself. Everything seemed much better once the drugs kicked in. Graveyard came in, looked at all of us, and said "crazy night?" We all just kinda smiled and shrugged it off. I now know that the secret to the poker room is xanax and such. I think the casino should just prescribe it. I'm exhausted.

One more thing. I just want to say to someone that is close to me, that I wish I could help. It's so hard to not be able to control things. I don't know what's going on, but it sucks when I have to work and I can't help with whatever it is. I hope everything gets better. I'm here as much as I can be. And I have xanax if you need it. :)

__________________________________________________________________

Ha! So, after posting this, I was checking my e-mail. Of course a bunch of junk. But I got the funniest thing. All it said when I opened it is "Kate is inviting you for a booty call." Then some web address. I just wanted to thank Kate for her invitation, but I'm going to have to pass.

Silver And Gold...

2005-12-25T14:52:00.000-05:00

Merry Fucking Christmas. Needless to say, not the best of days here. Been awake since about 2pm yesterday and sleep is nowhere in sight so far. Had Christmas with my mom and step-dad and brother yesterday. This is after missing the Christmas with Greg, his girlfriend and my parents earlier in the week. It was all right. I got a new suit. I really hope it fits, cause it's beautiful. It's brown. And I have no brown shoes. Can you really get away with black shoes with a brown suit? I know no brown shoes with a black suit, but I can't imagine it'll be that bad the other way around. Fuck it, do I really care? So, went to work last night. Boring as hell. At first I was watching four ten dollar roulette tables. Just enough to keep me busy. Then it went down to two. Plus doing two and a half hour strings. Wow, was it a long night. I had gotten out of bed 2 hours earlier than normal, so I was a bit tired anyways. At least there was a bunch of candy to chow on and someone left a five pound thing of cookies. Tummy aches to follow. Got home, and realized I forgot to get my grandpa a present. Fuck. But my hero Step-dad ran out today and got a gift card for him. Anyways, back to the no sleep thing. The plan for today was to go to dad's, then my Aunt Cindy's. My dad and I do not get along too well. We seem to but heads on everything. I don't think I'm his shining star. I really could get into it, but all that matters is that we really don't get along too well. Had to be at my dad's at 11am. Now, normal people wouldn't have a problem with this. I am far from normal. 11am is about 3am to anyone else. My dad's family likes to get up early. I don't. This in turn causes a conflict of interest. I end up sleep deprived and cranky. They are happy. Where's the fucking comprimise here? Plus having the flu on top of it. I have decided that one day, if I ever get married or have a big event in my life, we're going on my terms. They're all getting out of bed around 2am. I will have my wedding at 3am and they will know. Then there will be no more talk of me being tired or having to leave early for work. If they haven't noticed by now, I have never really been that upset leaving. Hmm... Anyways, so I missed my window of opportunity. First of all, I was not very happy to the fact we were eating quiche. I hate eggs. I will not eat them. I can't even smell them. Then the bacon. I thought this really was hell. As we were eating, my dad made some comment about how maybe I should just go sleep. I, in being a polite daughter, said oh no no, I should go spend time with family. I am the biggest fucking dumbass ever! I had my out and I didn't take it! I'm gonna kick myself for this one for a while. So, here I am, at home, by myself, finishing a pot of coffee. Trying to motivate myself to get in the shower. Is it sad that I'm looking more forward to putting on my new suit then seeing my family? At least, while I listen to the Boss, Ron is sitting here chatting with me. Someone just as miserable as myself. I love him. We don't talk too much, but he always comes through when I need him. Anyways, I should go now. Work tonight... flooring in the high roller pit. Ugh. This ought to be good. Then sleep. Sweet sleep. Day three of seven straight is almost over. Merry Christmas everyone. I love y'all. Thanks for making me smile when I need it most. That's the best gift I could get. xoxo

Save The Drama...

2005-12-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

Went to the last P.T.'s Revenge show ever last night. My mind is officially blown. For one thing, these guys have been a staple in my life for I don't know how many years. Just every once in a while Jeff would always call up and ask if I was going to the show. Guess not anymore. I remember sitting in Jeff and Kevin's basement everyday after school and listening. Usually, I'd fall asleep on the couch (I slept everywhere), but I remember the beginning. So bittersweet. To watch something start, and watch the conclusion. Great band though. And they still sounded awesome. Ran into a lot of people I haven't seen in years. Some not since high school. Crazy. People I was pretty sure I'd never see again. And some that there is no reason that I don't see more often. A couple of us were talking and agreed that we all have to get together sometime. Just the old group. Mizzi and I were talking and I was trying to explain that they all stayed in some sort of group while somehow I ended up wandering off. Then he looked at me, said he wasn't really in the middle of it anymore, and commented how we're getting older. He's right. God knows, the amount of friend "groups" that I have floated through... It's just strange when you run into people you grew up with, and they live right around the corner from you, but you never see them. We all kinda vowed to keep in touch a little better. Hopefully it works. So Shana and Mike went with me last night. Heh... They both really enjoyed themselves. It was kind of weird to give them a taste of what I grew up with. Mike knows nothing about my past. It's weird. Only what I've told him. He's never gotten to meet anyone. Well, last night, we walked in, I looked around, turned to him and just said, "Welcome to my past". I think he was a bit happy about getting to see a different side. It was definetly a sad night, yet fun as hell. Now to start my 7 day stretch at work. Ugh. And I feel like shit. This bird flu is slowly killing me.

Death On Two Legs...

2005-12-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

Can I just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY REV!!! I know he seems to hate his birthday, but hell, it's gotten off to a pretty crazy start. The usual Monday at the bar. He was already blasted when i got there around 11. Anyways, to make a long story short, this man can chuck a cell phone. Right in the middle of Wayne Road. Damn boy. At least we recovered all the parts. Poor Bobby was running in the middle of the street at 1am looking for phone parts. Then Curt proceded to fall asleep on the bar. And they let him. Apparently they called him a cab, but I was way too afraid he'd pass out and not find his way home, so I stuck him in the corner by the dart boards and drove his crazy drunk ass home. Anyways, around 115 or so, Curt's head rose, in between the pictures we took of him passed out between a table and a poker machine. He stood up from his seat with a purpose. I thought it was finally puking time. He walks by our table, and all that is heard is him saying "Fuck it" really loud, then comes walking back with a big ass 7and7. That's a trooper! Woke up this morning to the sound of him trying to fix his phone. Yeah, I believe it was hopeless. Anyways, spent part of the morning filling in the blanks for him. Then I slept. When I left he was happily playing video games on the couch, sucking down a bottle of Captain Morgan. Happy Birthday Fucker. Love ya. Have a good day, you deserve it. And I think you're right when you said that we are the same person, just I'm the female version of you. Guess I never really thought about it. And you're a lot more vocal than myself. hmm.. Interesting. Maybe I'll leave work early. Probably not, but it depends. Goodnight!

Dizzy...

2005-12-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

Not too much to report here. Still haven't started my Christmas shopping. Actually have New Year's Eve and Day off. I don't think I've ever had them off since I began working. I think I called in, but never actually had it off with no consequences. I'm sure it's just another uneventful night of overpacked bars. Midnight rolls around, there's some ruckus, then it's over. Plus side: Bars are open till 4. Anyways, the catch is I have to work seven days straight. Friday-Friday. I guess it's not that bad. Except this cold is starting to kick my ass. Speaking of, my throat started getting scratchy on Friday. No big deal. Everyone that's been working in the poker room has been getting sick. So I knew it was coming. Anyways, yesterday, I thought I would just catch it early. I went and bought some Tylenol Cold and Flu before work and took some. I love this shit. It works miracles. Now, I must say that I didn't eat anything on Friday since I really never have an appetite before work. And by the time I got home, my throat hurt so bad I was literally spitting into a cup instead of swallowing. I think I got down like three pierogies or something. Saturday, again, no eating before work. It's strange. I feel weighed down or something before I go to work if I eat. I just don't like it. So, stomach = empty. Then I take this medicine. I felt fine. Actually, I felt pretty good. I had taken the stuff around 6, so when I went on break at 1030, I was golden. I took another dose. Usually medicines are between 4-6 hours. Apparently not this one. Damn, I was higher than a kite. At first I was just kinda giggly. Then dizziness set in. I just had to stop every few minutes to stop the spins. I felt like you feel when you drink way too much, go to sleep, then wake up still drunk. It was not cool after about an hour. I seriously thought I was gonna have to go home. Either that, or just throw it up out of my system. I always laugh at people that od on cold medicine. I remember I had a friend Eric that I called him one day and he told me to call an ambulance for him. I did, and met him at the hospital. Turns out he took too much sudafed. They had to pump his stomach. I know I'm going to hell, but I really do think it was funny. I guess this was retribution. Damnit.
I really don't have anything else to talk about. Oh! Narc guy has started talking to me on a regular basis now. What had happened is he asked my friend Sonny about me, and blah blah... Anyways, she told him to just ask me out. This is so fucking middle school. Well, turns out he's shy. He comes up to me now and says some of the cutest shit, and you can just tell he's thinking why did I say that. It's funny. But I'm still real hesitant with the going out with a player thing. It's probably not a good idea. I mean, so many things can happen. What if they're scamming? Then it falls on you. What if it doesn't work? Then you have to see them whenever they come in. Plus, you know what they do with their free time. Gambling. I guess poker players are better than most, but still. I don't know. Sonny and I were talking about how, on our shift, it's impossible to date anyways. Unless the other person is on the same hours. Which, how many jobs do you find like that? Hell, if not, when will you ever see the other person? Maybe your two days off a week, which also has to be balanced with friends and family. Or 5am. Yeah, okay. Ugh. I love my job so much, but it really doesn't do much for my social life. Oh, the sacrifices we make to make a living.

Born To Run...

2005-12-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

Interesting. That's all I can say about the last couple days. Monday night I hosted karaoke. Always a good time. The bowling people were there. It's a group of middle aged women with feathered hair, that seem to believe that when they get a microphone in their hands it doesn't make them loud enough. It's almost like some sort of spirit inhabits their vocal chords and out comes this unbearable high pitched screach. And it lasts forever. Everytime they go up to sing, the screeching begins. Before and after the song... WOOOOOO!!! YEAH!!!! So, I was on my toes all night. As soon as I saw the glimmer in one of their eyes, I instinctively turned off their microphone. It was a beautiful thing. Anyways, got paid. Drank a lot. It was fun.
Tuesday, went out to dinner with Melissa. They are doing promotions again at work. She needed interview tips. We were sitting there when my phone rang. My friend Joe called to tell me his brother was killed in the marines. Not in combat, but in combat training. How shitty is that? He was pretty tore up about it. I picked him up for the bar, but his friend ended up coming to get him. He just couldn't stop crying. I understand that he needed to get out. But I think once he got there it was just too much. Got a message from him this morning. All it said was "sorry i left". Definitely worried about him.
So, while at the bar, there was this guy. He was dirty. Looked like he hadn't showered in about a decade. He was sitting at a table next to us (Me, Shana, Melissa, Chud, Bobby) with a book and some sort of spiral bound reading material. Like the kind you get as a handout in a presentation or something. Now, I will only mention part of the whole incident. Chud tells it in much more detail, since he was more involved. All I know is that he started singing something, can't really remember what it was, but he was hopping around like a mad man and spitting out shit about the government. Okay, whatever. Funny. Then, for his next song, Rage Against The Machine. All I could do is look at Chud and say, "This is gonna be a trip". I think he got about 4 lines of the song besides the chorus, which consists of "Now Testify." Apparently he was taking that literally. He gave his testimonial, which was received with uproarious laughter. This jackass comes back and begins talking to Bobby. Fuck. Bobby kept looking at me and I was laughing. Turns out he wanted saved. Oops. Stupid dense me. Anyways, events occurred, which you can read in Chud's blog. He started talking to Bobby again. I looked at Shana, looked at Melissa, proceeded to get out of my seat and went and sat on Bobby's lap. Without saying a word, I have never heard a larger sigh of relief in my life. Then came the part that I found the utmost disturbing. This sounds quite trivial, compared to the actual conversation that was occurring about politics and capitalism. How he had a really hot girlfriend that "loves me for my mind, man. For my mind..." Which turns out that she's a prostitute. But he's okay with that. Anyways, in my search for songs to sing, occasionally I'll break out some Bruce Springsteen. Not very often, cause I believe that there are boundaries. Things to be held sacred, even when it comes to karaoke. So, it's pretty rare. I had the slip in my hand when it happened. Crazy guy was on stage, then I heard it. The drumroll, then the xylophone/guitar combo. Born To Run. The ultimate glory song. The song I had written down in my hand. I love the Boss. But this guy, THIS MOTHERFUCKER. I don't think he's ever heard the song, or was really just that bad. This is probably the most factual statement I will ever make....I have heard some bad karaoke. This was worse. I would have rather heard the middle aged Rod Stewart look alike women screeching. I would have rather talked politics with Mark and Chud. I would have rather sat in a pool of my own urine and vomit than hear this again... Okay, maybe that last one was a stretch, but it was that bad. Chud was trying to talk to me about the pseudo argument he was having with this dirty man, but I was paralyzed. Literally. I could feel the tears welling up. I know this sounds completely over dramatic, but it really was that bad. And it's the Boss for Christ sake. There was one day when Bruce was playing at Comerica Park. I was telling my mom that I was going to go down there and find him after the show and bring him home. What mother wouldn't love for her daughter to bring home the Boss? Anyways, my mom said she didn't approve. I didn't talk to her for days. Yes, it's like that. I love him. Anyways, the point is, that guy was ridiculous. But, it was pretty damn funny.
Went and got my hair did today. It's dark. I love it. So, supposedly one of the poker players is asking me out tonight, at least that's what I've been told. He's a Narc agent. That oughta be interesting.

In The Ghetto...

2005-12-12T04:21:00.000-05:00

I love dice. First it was a little uncomfortable, since I have been out of that pit for about two months. But it became more and more familiar as the night went on. So, last table of the night. First thing that happens when I sit down is the guy throwing the dice chucks them right at my face. Wow. I was pretty mad. Anyways, I was being decent when I told him that I was going to pass the dice on him and such. Time goes on, he's loud. Really obnoxious. I was so trying to keep a straight face, but he was throwing out shit that I had never heard in two years in that pit. People say some crazy stuff. It's street craps lingo, apparently. Such as seven mile. And little joe for a four. This guy is throwing for a four. First starts the little joe comments.. then it turns to "13 year olds! I love those 13 year olds." At this point, the giggles started. I was trying so hard to keep a straight face. Then comes "Shoot till you poop!" That was the breaking point. I couldn't keep it in any longer. Everything this guy said had to rhyme. He was a regular ghetto Dr. Suess. It was hilarious. Forty-five, I don't lie. We shop at the 7-11. Hard six for the pricks. He just went on and on. And my personal favorite... Fifty-fo for the mo-fo's. heh.. funny.

Untitled 2...

2005-12-11T16:06:00.000-05:00

Had a horrible night Friday. Like usual, in the poker room. Had a great night last night. In the poker room. The extremes are amazing. I think it depends on who I'm working with. I mean, I know my pit boss loves me to no end. Just sometimes the other floors make it more difficult. Then again, Friday I was with people that knew what they were doing. Last night, I was the only one. Funny thing happened though. Those damn headsets keep getting everyone in trouble. I had called one guy a dumbass. Thought nothing of it, until I realized that he didn't have a headset. More like a speaker thing clipped to his lapel. Anyways, whatever. There's this girl Stephanie that was working with us. My pit calls her Barbie. Cause that's just what she is. Very prim and proper. Real pretty. Anyways, we kept calling this Rio guy for a bunch of games and he kept moving around. Anyways, Stephanie says over the radios "Man, that Rio guy is driving me crazy! I hate him so much!" Then Mike, who is in the other pit, on the other side of the floor, says "Thanks for letting us know. He's standing right here and heard everything you said." I've never seen someone turn so red so fast.
Not much has been happening around here. No more dreams about players. Watched a marathon of Cosby Shows last night when I got home. That's really pathetic if that's the excitement in my life. I'm in the dice pit tonight. That's always a good time. Yay! Arguing! My cousin dropped by yesterday. Haven't seen her in a really long time. Hmm... yeah, nothing that I feel like talking about right now.

Dream On...

2005-12-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

Learned a valuable lesson last night. No xanax while working. Especially take one and a half, when I normally take a half. I was bumping into walls, and all sorts. But it made the drive home through six inches of snow much more relaxing.

Had another strange dream last night. It's not uncommon, on the nights that I work to dream about casino stuff. Like, when I was in blackjack class, my mom said that I would deal in my sleep. Same with dice and roulette. I mean, actual full arm movements and such. Calling off bets. Anyways, so I was in poker last night. I always dream about poker. It's really bizarre. Anyways, we have a player that comes in almost every night named Tony. Good looking asian guy. Real nice. Well, in my dream he worked with me. We went on break together then went to eat. Ended up coming back 20 minutes late from break. For some reason Jeff Probst (from Survivor) was our boss. Anyways, Tony kept trying to get me to go on a date with him. It was strange. I was working, and my cell phone rang, and it was him asking me out. I think I finally said yes, then woke up. Weird. It's not like it was a sexual dream of any kind. I just felt really weird when I woke up. Like, why the hell was I dreaming about Tony? I didn't even talk to him yesterday. (Or at least I don't think I did... with the xanax and all, anything's possible) It's bizarre sometimes how your mind sends you messages... now I'm gonna feel all uncomfortable around him. I hate when I have dreams about people then I have to see them the next day.

Pump Up The Jam...

2005-12-07T16:32:00.000-05:00

As I discovered last night, it's that time of year again. I'm very disappointed in this. A time where you have to comprimise comfort for more comfort. A time where you have to wear pants to bed. Damn. I've tried everything. To keep my blankets over my bed, trying to keep it warm. It never works. Bare skin on cold sheets is really not a good idea. Especially when you're trying to go to sleep. I already miss being able to walk in my room, take off my pants and bra and crawl right into bed. Now I have to put fucking pants on. Which is quite difficult at times, in the dark, and drunk.

Had another crazy dream last night. Something about staying on the outskirts of Las Vegas with my ex. I had really short hair, but I loved it. There was something about turtles. We were keeping turtles for something. Then we wanted to go down to the strip, but had some sort of reunion to go to. I ended up in some sort of 40's dress, just like everyone else. I remember trying to not get it caught in the escalator. There were work people there and high school people. It was weird. Then the turtles came back. It's cause I watched The Stepford Wives before going to sleep. I need to highly regulate my programming right before sleep. The Cosby Show has always been a nice buffer.

Mom was doing fine. Duane (step-dad) took her Christmas shopping in a wheelchair today. It's like the blind leading the blind with his head injury and her being helpless. Well, she's bleeding again. Uh Oh. Hopefully nothing.

So, as everyone knows, my friends and I karaoke regularly. Some time ago, my friend Chud and I were banned from singing together. Actually, I can't remember if it was ever all together, or if it was always just certain songs. Anyways, to this day, if any of these songs are turned in, the host is fully aware of the situation. Gives us some sort of look, and decides to press her luck in the hopes we got better. That is never the case. This list consists of (and please correct me if I forget any, Chud) "Carry On My Wayward Son", "Blaze of Glory", and I think there was another one. Just can't remember. Anyways, I think we might have tacked another one on last night. Technotronic's "Pump Up The Jam". Of the six and a half minutes this song lasts, I think we managed to get out about 45 seconds. I don't think I have laughed that hard ever. And of course, everyone else was laughing because we were laughing. It was a pure disater. Yet utterly hilarious. Out of this, I said, according to Chud, the funniest line of the night... "My mouth hurts so much. It feels like I've been giving a two hour blow job."

I think I may be out of things to talk about. Bye

John The Revelator...

2005-12-05T19:37:00.003-05:00

I'm officially obsessed with this song. It's off of Depeche Mode's new album. I'm not real sure why I like it, but I keep playing it on repeat. I know everyone does that at some point or another, whether you admit it or not. Every once in a while you find that song that you just can't get enough of. So you play it over and over... Ugh. I can't stop. I have tried to turn it off, but it feels like withdrawl sets in. I remember a kid in high school. He loved the song "Keep Em Seperated" by the Offspring so much that I made him a tape with just that song on repeat. Both sides. I thought it was funny. That dumbass took that tape, put it in his Bronco, and drove around Stevenson's parking lot with it full blast. I swear he listened to it for weeks. I'll bet, to this day, he has some weird aversion to that song. I know I can't listen to it without cringing. Last I heard, he became a cheerleader at Michigan State. I will never forget the time we "toilet papered" his house. Ha! It was awesome. We took all the election signs from the whole neighborhood (which, come to find out later, is some sort of crime, supposedly) and put all 65 of them in the front yard. Took plastic forks and shoved them in the ground. Wrapped both cars in plastic wrap, along with hanging underwear on them and writing on the garage in shaving cream. Took yarn, went around the whole house, through the cars, and weaved it between the election signs. It was a mess. But so fun.

I'm beginning my caffiene withdrawl today. Doctor said stop drinking it, well, fine, guess it's better than having a complete nervous breakdown. So no coffee. This is just unheard of. I have a routine that I follow, and coffee is part of it. I am definetly obsessive/compulsive when it comes to following my routines. Granted, it's not like counting to ten five times, then backwards, spinning around twice and tapping the wall fourteen times before opening a doorknob, but still. I've had to start things over before. I'm not crazy, I swear. Anyways, so, I'm trying to make up for the lack of coffee. My doctor had suggested decaf. Okay, genious. It never works to trick yourself. I will know that I, myself, put decaf in the coffee maker. Just like how I decided to never fix my clock when I found out it was eleven minutes fast, thinking, it doesn't hurt to be early. Yeah, okay, more like when I'm going somewhere, I'm thinking, gee, I have another eleven minutes. It just doesn't work. That's okay. No headaches or anything, just wish I had slept better. Anyways, I suppose I should finish my laundry and go out or something. I'm bored. Think I'm going to try and find a vacation of sorts to plan.

Fly On A Windscreen...

2005-12-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Forgive me, I really didn't feel like typing. Nothing's really happened anyways. Went to work last night. Absolutely no excitement. In the poker room we got headsets to talk to each other. Well, it got so boring about two hours in that the conversation over the headsets was definetly not professional. It was pretty funny. It snowed. A lot. Drive home wasn't too bad. There was no one else on the road. Mom came home today. She's okay. A little sore. She's on the couch watching tv, complaining about how she doesn't want to watch tv anymore. We were talking and she told me something interesting, yet slightly disturbing. She went to some psychic down in New Orleans a few years ago. He told her that my brother was going to marry a tall girl that he hasn't met yet. Okay, so he's close so far. They have a house and such. It'll probably happen. Then he told her that she had something wrong with her stomach. Even if she had no symptoms yet, it was going to be serious. Hmmm... okay. Then the third thing that she mentioned. Me. Apparently I'm going to have many men in my life. But there was no talk of settling or anything. Not that I want to get married, but it would be nice to know I may have a relationship that is worth the time and effort and might last for a while. Granted, I don't even know if I believe in that crap, but still... Fucking psychic. He probably got stuck in the flood somewhere cause he didn't see it coming. Anyways, off to work.

Waiting...

2005-12-01T17:32:00.000-05:00

Feeling much better today. I thought about deleting last night's post. I was really frustrated and I think it built up to one incident, but I'm over it. Plus, I made a deal with myself when I started this thing that I would do my best not to edit myself. That's probably a really bad deal to keep, but oh well. Anyways, really just wanted to say that. Mom's still in surgery. It's almost 6pm, and I have to leave for work in a half hour. I really hate to go when I don't know. This sitting here and waiting is truly killing me. Ugh. I haven't eaten anything, and there's nothing here to eat. My nerves are in full gear today. Thinking about calling off work. I have 7 minutes to do it if I'm going to. But then again, maybe the best thing I can do is go to work. I'm confused. We'll see what happens when i get there. I can always leave. Anyways, I'll give an update when I know something. So far, no news is good news.

Policy Of Truth...

2005-12-01T05:12:00.000-05:00

A couple of little things. First of all, Depeche Mode was more than amazing. Granted, this was my fourth time, but they never cease to shock me. Especially with everything that has been going on lately, I have to say when they played "Walking in My Shoes" and even "Enjoy The Silence" I really really felt it. Almost spiritual in a very loose sense. Anyways, definetly the highlight of my year.
So, went to the bar afterwards. There was some sort of fight sequence occuring in the bathroom between my friends Mikey and Ron, some dirty man that was there with a prostitute and a urinal. The man bit Ron. What?!?! Crazy. I'm not really going to get into it. I don't know the whole story, and I'm just glad it's over. I went to leave and my friend Mick was standing out side, leaning on my car, in lieu of actually standing. Anyways, he needed a ride. Okay, whatever, I'm a sucker, so I've been told. He told me he lived around seven and merriman. I drove and drove, then all of the sudden, in the breaks of my music, there was prominent snoring. Fuck. He was gone. Had to wake his ass up, then he forgot where he lived. After turning around four times, I dropped him off at a house. I don't know if it was his, but I know he was trying his key in the door when I pulled out. Damn. I don't know if I've ever been that drunk. Wow.
Okay, Third thing. And this is going to be very obscure because I don't feel like being specific. Think I need to vent, but still, this is something that purely bothers me to no end. Will people stop treating me like I'm dumb as a rock? Okay, so I am 99% of the time in a good mood. So, I know some useless trivia. So I don't feel any speck of a need to prove myself to anyone. So I don't feel the need to intrude on anyone else's business, especially if that involves making it my own. Would you like IQ scores? Is that it? Is there a reason people have to demean people? To make themselves feel better? Well, if that is the case, then I feel sorry for them. Really. Apparently they are not as smart as they think they are. I am not a naive child. And fuck anyone that will treat me as though I am. And also, fuck anyone that cannot think for themselves. I have enough shit going on to even be bothered with y'all. Time to get the locks back on the door. I have a feeling a very anti-social period is coming on. I'll get over it. As long as people can stop thinking of themselves as so high and mighty. Like they can do no wrong. One day they'll learn. And they'll learn in a big way. Everyone is flawed. Deal with it. And there is no one in this universe that can right other peoples wrongs. Especially with a bunch of bullshit talk. Again, this is vague. And that's on purpose. Sometimes it's just easier that way. So, again, think what you will. But that doesn't mean you know. Anyways, gotta get up for the hospital in the morning. Love you mama!! Everything will be how it is meant to be...

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through
It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied
It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy...

2005-11-30T15:32:00.000-05:00

I have too much adreneline that I'm not burning off. And now a steady supply of xanax. The chest pains were panic attacks, and I have to go get my heart checked. He tried to write me out of work for a vacation. So, needless to say, anyone wanna take a vacation? It was prescribed.

So, funny thing. I was checking my myspace account, and my friend Ian had posted a bulletin thing about top ten album. Now, I love making lists. And I was reading through some of the responses and thought about my friend Chris. He had sent me a list of his top albums and even songs. The following is my response. It's really funny. Kinda long, but definetly worth the read. And, remember, everyone is entitled to their own opinions...

I was dreaming about your lists! I kept thinking about mine, and, as strange as this is, kept waking up and writing down bands and albums. I woke with a notebook beside me with barely legible scrawlings of various names and such. I guess I've just never really put down an actual list of my favorites.. But now you've got me thinking about it. But the more I think about it, some of my favorites are compilations and such, which I think is seperate. I don't know... but I'm going to think about it later.. You may have quite a bit more than you ever asked for from this. But it's something to do. I enjoy it.
Concerning music genres, I mostly agree. I love a lot of music, and a lot of variety. I can't really take techno or trance either. It makes me nauseous. And country, some of it's okay, but only tolerable. I don't forsee myself ever actually purchasing any country. If there was ever any chance of my love of country developing, I think that idea was completely shot down due to the fact that we hang out at a karaoke bar 99% of the time and for some reason, people drink and seem to believe that alcohol gives you the ability to sing about dead dogs and trains running over your momma, and how you're a "redneck woman...ain't no high class broad". I'm not too sure what the exact calculation would be, but it seems as though if you take one, respectable looking young white business orientated male who's normal day consists of getting up, going to the office, coming home, and going to bed. Very intelligent, loves to read and talk about intelligent things... if you add a pitcher of beer and maybe a couple shots of tequila or so... Your outcome will most likely end up to be instead of intellectual conversation, he believes he is now down south with his boots and hat saying such phrases as "I like my women just a little on the trashy side" and "She's my little whiskey girl... I like em rough" and the best one.... " Save a horse, ride a cowboy" which, logically makes no sense at alll, from the earlier lyric in the song which says something to the effect of "I saddle up my horse and ride into the city" Now what a hippocrit. Anyways, that's my take on country music. As you can tell, I'm quite passionate about it.
Then there is "death metal" or whatever you want to call it. I remember back in middle school, when Guns n Roses was huge and my friends would all wear flannel and such and etc. Now that was okay. Even Metallica was acceptable. I would always listen to "Ride the Lightning" on my paper route. Then along came Cannibal Corpse and Hellbound and Hammerfall. Then there is my favorite... Heaven Shall Burn. Who's lead singer's name is Bolt Thrower (I'm not even making this up). Such ridiculous names and even more ridiculous music. I do have to say though that a lot of my early boyfriends did like such atrosities... hence the reason they are ex's, I suppose. Then again, how can you dislike lyrics such as "Fill the air with the smell of death Grace us with your magic Fill the night with the stench of evil I summon forth the beast" from Morbid Angel's classic "Bleed for the Devil". Songs such as that actually brighten some people's days. I had a friend once who's favorite band was Deicide. Now, I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for Christ's sake, this boy used to be normal. We would go to the movies, go rollerskating... normal kid stuff. Well, he discovered Death Metal. Now, he started out slow. Not saying that they could be even classified into the catagory with those that want to rip out a kittens ovaries with a dull spoon, but you have to start somewhere less violent, such as just cutting a worm in half to see if it will regenerate, or stepping on an ant hill for a mass murdering, I suppose. I think one of his first loves was Pantera. Okay... so I guess they had their mainstream time. I can't say I ever really enjoyed them, but I can respect that. Then along came Gwar. I am not totally innocent in this instance... yes. I owned a Gwar album. I did not buy it though and I believe that should count for something. I think I still have it somewhere. I do recall the classic stylings of "Have you Seen Me?" About a lost child of some sort... with a bunch of children screaming bloody murder in the back.. Anyways, back to my friend. I have found that there are a lot of different types of music... and most are harmless. Death Metal and all it's subsidiaries (such as thrash metal and hardcore grind) are not necessarily the case. I found this out the hard way after my friend started wearing all black, and for some reason his head must have grown too heavy for him to walk upright and straight... except to swing his neck in a circle as some sort of ritual to save himself from heaven and guarentee his spot in hell next to Christina Aguilera and Patrick Swayze (don't even get me started on She's Like the Wind). We stopped seeing each other as much... until the day that I went over to his house and walked down to his room in the basement (I think he stayed down there to feel he was closer to his inevitable doom) and he was chasing people around with a cattle prod. I am completely serious about this. And they were having fun. That's when I learned my experience with death metal would be over. I'm happy with my pergatory.
Now Rap and R&B is a whole different story. I have a new appreciation for this music because of my job. I mean, there is some sort of amusement and satisfaction with the city of Detroit after hearing people at work throw the dice and yell such things as "Doin it Gansta Style" and "Come on 7 Mile". Can't really help but laugh. I do love rap for just the ridiculous lyrics. I was listening to a song the other day and it said something like "I don't know what you heard about me But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P" Now, I know I'm not a pimp, and I never will be... but for some reason, the song draws people in and makes them feel that one day they could aspire to pimphood. I don't know.. I guess all I'm saying is it's catchy. One question though, why do they all love Hennessey so much? I mean, if you're such a pimp, isn't there something better? Like some Louis XVIII? I don't know.. just a thought. I can't say much. I mean, I will say that I have a secret love for hip-hop. I was listening to the radio the other day and they were playing some old school hip-hop... like Wrecks N Effect and Biz Markie and such. I have to say I was having a good time. Plus, ultimatly over everything, it's just funny to see and hear white guys saying phrases like "For Shizzle" and "Dr. Dre is the name, I'm ahead of my game Still, puffing my leafs, still with the beats Still not loving police Still rock my khakis with a cuff and a crease Still got love for the streets, repping 213". In a very monotone, matter of fact voice. Speaking of, a guy I work with and I always discuss our love for hip-hop. He is probably the whitest man ever.. I mean, tall, shaved head, paler than myself. So I dared him one day to call one of the african american players on the table dawg. He topped it... The whole night he was calling them all Brotha, or Big Dawg, and my personal favorite, Baby Boy. (For example, he would say "Can you hit the back wall with the dice please, Baby Boy?") I thought for sure he was going to get his ass beat... but instead he gained much respect. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Now everytime I see him he says something to the effect of How's my favorite hoe doin? and I can respond with Everything's good in the hood... One last question to ponder about the whole rap community... a lot of them seem to have tattoos up and down their arms dedicated to dead loved ones.. What happens when they run out of room? Or their tattoist dies? Then what? Also, with all these "gangstas" walking around with Chinese symbols on their arms, if you go to China, are they walking around with ebonics tattoed on them?

That still makes me laugh everytime I read it. Well, Depeche Mode tonight!!! It's gonna be awesome. Talk to ya'll later.

Hurts So Good...

2005-11-29T06:12:00.000-05:00

I have to wake up in less than six hours. Once again, I can't sleep. Getting up at noon tomorrow is not a good way to start off my stressful week. Actually, I'd have to say it started Monday morning. I was going to bed. Finally peeled myself off the couch after catching up on Desperate Housewives (There's no way George is dead...). Got all the way to bed, laid down, watched tv for a few. Rolled over, started closing my eyes when it hit me. Now, I believe there are four things in this world that are the most painful things I, myself, have ever experienced. You know, that just immobilizing, send every thing in the whole world to a screaching halt kind of pain. First, there's heartburn. I'm not talking about the heartburn that you can just play off and try and go about normal business with. I'm talking about the kind after eating enough citric acid to melt cement and you can feel every single cell in your esophagus screaming at you and clawing their way out of your throat. It's awful. Even taking Pepcid or Tums fuels the hearburn. Secondly, there's scratching your eyeball. I was sleeping at a friend's house a few years ago, and in my sleep, I must've had a hair in my eye. Apparently, I brushed it off my face while I was sleeping, which, in turn, sliced my eyeball right down the middle. When I woke in the morning, it felt like that part in Audition where the girl is sticking the acupuncture needles in the guy's eye. It was really bad. Somehow drove home, and made it to the eye doctor where I was fitted with some extremely attractive old blind man goggle type things. Had to wear those for a couple days and stay out of any sort of light. Damn, it's still painful to think about it. My third worst kind of pain is from diverticulosis. Granted, this is not a common thing, but it hurts like hell. I'm trying to think of an easy way to describe this. It's something I was born with. I can't eat seeds. My intestines are messed up. Had surgery a few years ago and had part of my colon, stomach and intestines out. Youngest case my doctors had ever seen. Anyways, it still acts up anytime I accidentaly eat seeds. I try my hardest not to, but it's really pretty hard. No more popcorn, no nuts, no cucumbers, raspberries, tomatos... oh, I could go on and on. Anyways, when it acts up, it hurts like hell. Like someone is using a vice on your midsection. Just squeezing and squeezing. And I get real hot. Usually the only way to combat this is to wait. It's almost like my own punishment for eating what I wasn't supposed to. Anyways, back to what happened yesterday morning. One of the four worst pains ever. I was just about to fall asleep, and I felt it start. Real slowly. But once it started, it was inevitable. There was no turning back. A leg cramp. The big kind. Where you can feel your muscle just pulsating. I was in my room, clutching my mattress and screaming. My mom came and saw me writhing in pain. All she could tell me was to put some Ben Gay on it. Boy, that's just genious. It's hard enough to walk the next day after having a cramp, let alone in the middle of one. So, once again, I just had to wait it out. Still a bit sore. And now, when I do finally lay down, I'm gonna be thinking about it. Hoping it doesn't happen again.
So, on to my week. Going to the doctor today. Always a fun trip. Been having those chest pains and such. On top of the fact that I have to pee every half hour and every time I eat I get nauseous. Someone at work suggested it's my gall bladder. Thanks a fucking lot. Way to put ideas in my head. Someone else had suggested pregnancy, but that's like the virgin Mary. Then again, maybe I am the next miracle. Right... As long as it looked like Jim Caviezel I guess I couldn't complain too much... Then again, it'd be my son. And that'd be just sick... Okay, i'm way off track. Then going to work. I normally work at 8pm, but I"m 6pm tonight. Ugh. Two hours in the poker room with day shift. That ought to be interesting. Summing up the rest of the week, Wednesday is Depeche Mode. Going with my friend Jay that I haven't seen in forever and a day. It's gonna be awesome. Mom's surgery is on Thursday morning. So, needless to say, the rest of the week is going to be spent in the hospital. I figure I'll get up everyday and at least go sit with her. Duane and I are on our own for a couple weeks since she's going to be bedridden and all. Hopefully all goes well. Starting to get real nervous, but what will happen will happen.
Anyways, if you don't hear from me in the near future, I'll update at least on Friday. I think I'm going to go eat a tablespoon of mustard. It's supposed to soothe and prevent muscle cramps. Guess bodybuilders and such eat it all the time. I swear I'm not crazy. Goodnight all!

Disarm...

2005-11-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

Woke up today, after staying up until ten this morning, curling my hair to my phone ringing. It was my dad. I don't talk to him very often, let alone see him. I saw him the day before my birthday, then I think before that was in August. Needless to say, we are not close. But he still knows when I wake up. Damnit, he called me an hour before normal. To ask me something...which he deemed very important. December 7th, he wants me to go to the Radio City Christmas Spectacular with the Rockettes. You fucking woke me up for this?!?!? It's funny, cause every year my friend Sarah always asks everyone if they want to go, and I know, personally, I kinda feel bad saying no. She gets that glimmer in her eye. Now, I've stumbled across this ticket. I don't think I could, in good conscience, go without her. And anyways, I never really had the desire to see over grown toy soldiers and rag dolls dancing around with 30 people with legs that mine with never ever be.
So, I have dealt with the fact that I'm awake. Went downstairs to see my puppies. And low and behold, what do I find in my living room? The Christmas tree is up. And not only is it up, it's fully decorated. The whole house is decorated. Apparently, I have been left out of this tradition this year because my sleep schedule did not coincide. On top of it, everyone is missing. There is no one home, and no note, nothing. So I have resorted to typing meaningless shit and eating a leftover cheesy gordita crunch. Which, by the way, do not reheat. It just looses it's cruchy goodness. And drinking coffee.
Work ought to be fun tonight. I'm in poker. Like usual. Last night ended on a strange note. Out of the four supervisors, Sonny and I seem to be the most competent. Anyways, up there, it's hard to tell when your break is gonna be. They're supposed to be every two hours, but sometimes shit happens. It seems more up there than anywhere else, but still. It's no one's fault. Last night I ended up doing three hours before my first break. I didn't complain. It's all relative to the time that I did five. Well, the other two supervisors kept trying to egg me on or something. Saying that if it's my break I should say something and kick and scream and blah blah just to prove a point. Now, the pit up there, Brian, and no where near being an idiot. He knows. Hell, he probabaly knows more than you'd ever think he did. He's not a dumb guy. And I have the utmost respect for the man. I think I would actually go as far to say that I look up to him. I don't look up to many people, but he would qualify. Anyways, I'm there to help him. Not bitch about everything. Finally, at the end of the night, I pulled him aside. He looked right at me and said "Damn, you must be mad if you're about to say something to me." And that's what I told him. It takes a hell of a lot for me to say something. Anyways, I went off for about five minutes about why they were trying to get me to be mad at him and such. Felt a little better. Ended up calling Sonny when I got out (20 minutes late, I might add, while the other supervisors were long gone out the door). We just vented over and over. And the conclusion is this. We are talking to Brian tonight. So, it should be interesting to say the least.
I hope something funny happens tonight, so at least I can write about something good. The rest of the week is looking pretty grim. I have Depeche Mode on Wednesday. Turns out Shana can't go. And Mom's surgery is Thursday morning. Ugh. I guess they upped it to high risk cause of her blood pressure. So, needless to say, it's gonna be a rough week. Could use some comic relief.

Say Hello To The Angels...

2005-11-26T17:04:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about my tattoos. I really want that one that's pictured below on my right wrist. I was thinking about my left wrist. I watched the Prophecy last night when I got home and it occured to me what I wanted. This may sound crazy. I am not the least bit religious by any means, but that's why I love symbols. They can stand for more than one thing. Anyways, so I was thinking of a couple things. Granted, I'm having issues finding pictures of any of them. I was thinking either the 7-3 combination like the angels were marked with in the Prophecy II. Then I went into more depth searching. Found a couple really interesting dicoveries. Such as this.

This is the symbol for Samael. He was the ruler of the fifth heaven and Mars. Scorpio is his zodiac sign. Now, I was really digging this one. I think it would compliment my wrist nicely. Then I did more research. And I'm still debating whether I want this or not. For one thing, I guess Samael is some sort of Swedish death metal band or something. Anyways, this is what I have taken... Samael is in the highest order of angels. Seraphim. This order includes Satan, Micheal, Gabriel, and such. So from what I have read, Samael is attributed mostly with the angel of death. I suppose they are very similar. He was the one that tempted Eve, knocked her up with Cain. He is accuser, seducer, and destroyer. Translated as "the venom of God". Granted, this is all from articles by religious groups.

A different article I found said that Samael is one of the greatest yet most dreaded angels. He represents gaining victory over great adversity through virtue and power. Apparently Tuesday is his day. And red is his color.

Now, the other one I found is Cassiel. Apparently, he is "my" angel, in accordance to my birthday. He is the angel ruling over games of chance or luck. How ironic is that? His day is Saturday. And he likes wine, black or maroon. Ironically, Cassiel is a dance band from Scotland. Another site says he is the angel of mind expansion, memory and genius. The angel of solitude and tears. And he likes coffee. Sounds like my guy. I'm trying to find any sort of symbols, and so far, I've found he is represented by the symbol for Saturn. Also, known as Caffiel, this is the symbol I found.

Granted, none of this makes sense anymore, I'm just kinda brainstorming to myself. It's especially strange because of my non-religous beliefs... Ugh. I don't know. That movie just sparked something in my thoughts last night. I really do like the second one though. Essentially, all of my tattoos have a story to them. And I like the fact that only I will understand this one. Well, and all of you.

Don't Close Your Eyes...

2005-11-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

I just want to say that 16 degrees is not a good temperature for me.

I got to deal all night last night. I was very surprised, and slightly excited. Until about three hours in. It's not as fun as I remember. I was on craps. My shoulder started to hurt and it was all downhill from there (I'll explain the shoulder thing some other time). Except there was a fight/yelling/racial slurs/kicking of the ass of someone on my table. All the dealers had to write a voluntary statement and it was a pretty big deal. Except me, of course, cause I was on break. I miss everything. I do take partial credit for it happening though. I was on third base, and this guy walked up on the other side of the table. My friend Kei was sitting box. He is asian. But adorable as hell. Anyways, loud drunk guy started litterally screaming in some sort of high pitched voice. Like someone had his balls in a super vice. Kei, being who he is, tells the guy to be quiet. Half joking. I thought it was funny, but then again, this is giggles talking. Anyways, crazy guy responded with "I ain't talkin to you Chineese Man." Now, for one thing, I don't believe he was talking to anyone. Except maybe some stray dogs somewhere. And also, if you're gonna throw out a racial slur, at the very least get your grammer right. If you don't, that's just inviting a retort. Anyways, I heard Rick James over there say this and my jaw dropped. I looked at Kei and he wasn't really saying anything. I said to him "Are you gonna take that?". Now, I know, I was totally instigating. I was bored! Tapped off for break, mentioned something to my floor, and was gone for 15 minutes. I came back, guy was gone, everyone had to write statements, and people were whispering about it. Damn Damn Damn I'm not taking breaks anymore.

Turkey For Me, Turkey For You, Let's Eat The Turkey From A Big Brown Shoe...

2005-11-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's not really a song title. More like a line. But how stupid is it if I put "The Thanksgiving Song" in the subject line. Anyways, I like it. It's that day. Turkey turkey turkey!!!!!!! Gobble Gobble! I don't know why I'm so excited. I'm allergic to it anyways. Every Thanksgiving I get really sick. Well, not this year! It's just a small occasion this year. I'm staying home with mom, with her surgery next week and all. Just me, mom, Duane, Greg, Deanna and whatever stragglers come along. Usually we have one or two every year. Where their parents went out of town or whatever. Apparently, my brother went to the Lion's game and he's wasted. Deanna called and said she couldn't tell if he was speaking English or not. This should be interesting.

Snow!!!! Got up to go to work yesterday, and my car was gone. In a blanket. Of white stuff. Besides being on the road with other people, I don't mind the snow. It's actually kinda pretty. Until it starts to melt and mix with the dirt and sludge. But for now, it's not so bad. I kinda like driving in it at 5am. No one else on the road. It's hard to imagine that some people have only ever seen snow on tv. Never really touched it. Made snowballs. Ate it. Ah, Michigan. With their four seasons. Summer, Fall, Winter, and Construction.

Just Breathe...

2005-11-23T02:56:00.000-05:00

So, nothing too exciting in the last few days. Except that a friend of mine, while I was at work taking my title 31 test (look it up, can't explain now... too complicated!), left the Producer's Cut of Halloween 666 on my porch. Anyone that knows me knows my love of Halloween. This has spawned my newest tattoo which will occur either tomorrow or next Monday. So excited! Anyways, spent the day redesigning my myspace page. www.myspace.com/gypsy91 Went to the bar, met Shana. Melissa showed up around midnight, left around one or so. Anyways, we were sitting there drinking my concoction, the Bahama Laura. Suddenly, got that feeling. I think I've only ever told Shana about it. Before, I used to drink Captain Morgans, coke and grenedine religiously. Kept getting this feeling. Super tight in the chest. Can't breathe well. Really scary. I used to have to walk outside. Few times, almost went to the hospital, but if you know me, you know I hate anything to do with doctors. Anyways, besides a few months ago, haven't had this feeling for a while. Tonight, it came back. I always thought I was just allergic to caramel coloring. Such as Captain, Kahlua, things of the sort. Tonight I was drinking none of the above. What the fuck?!?!? It really hurt. Asthma maybe? Not cool. Shana suggested the hospital, but I wasn't giving in. Damn, gotta call the doctor tomorrow. It still kinda aches. I know I've had heart palpatations and murmurs in the past. Panic attacks? It really hurts though. Plan for tomorrow...
1. Call doctor.
2. Call Doug at Eternal
3. Pick up FMLA papers
4. Get tattoo
5. Take Rev, Shana and our friend Steve out to dinner
6. Go to work, hopefully...

Happy Gobble Day everyone!!!

Let It Be...

2005-11-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Hey hey hey...Not much going on today. Crossed four things off my list yesterday! I'm so excited. I really just realized I have nothing to write about. Got a letter today that I have to meet with the Gaming Board on December 16th. This can never be good. I'll talk to my bosses tonight and find out. Ugh. Really don't want to lose my badge. But hell, you never know, could be the best thing ever. Shana got a job! I'm so so proud of her. It was her birthday yesterday. Felt kinda bad I couldn't be with her, but with all this craziness occuring, getting out of work is getting kinda hard. I'll take her out on Monday. Well, I gotta get moving today. Gonna stop at the fabric store. I found a new project. And I might, just might finish this one. Ha! That's funny.

We Are Nowhere And It's Now...

2005-11-17T03:57:00.000-05:00

So I was driving home from work. Had quite a good night. Probably the best in a really long time. I was in charge of the whole poker room extension. By myself. All I had was a radio to contact the main room. Gave me a lot of thinking time and time to prove myself. Then I heard this song on the way home. A lot of shit has happened in the past day or so. I have a lot of different friends. Not all get along with each other. We are all adults and we all can deal with it. I accept it, they accept their differences. I have realized a lot in the past few years. You can never always be peacemaker. It just wears away ties you may have formed with others. Not everyone will always get along. It's just a fact of life. You have to fight your own battles. No one can do that for you. And if you expect them to, you're going to end up face down in the mud and alone. Anyways, I'm sure there are a couple people that will read a bit too deeply into this. Please don't. I am just expressing what I have learned that works for me. I'm so over the drama in my life. I choose to accept contentment. It may not be full acceptance of everything, but hell, at least I can say I'm content. Everyday is new. Everyday is different. There is no reason to take anything personally anymore. There is no reason to really bend over backwards. Every day is it's own experience. I am my own person. Responsible for my own actions. And willing to accept my fate. So, back to the song. Did a lot of thinking today. Song came on, really meant something.

If you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it until you're blind? And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right? Why are you scared to dream of god, when it's salvation that you want? Like stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea still lives on. In our wheels that roll around, as we move over the ground. And all day it seems, we've been in between a past and future town. We are nowhere, and it's now. We are nowhere and it's now. You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat while the world it was flying by. I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

I got no plans and too much time. I feel to restless to unwind. I'm always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favourite neon sign. Where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word. Just turns the jukebox on and we hum along and I smile back at her. And my friend comes after work, when the features start to blur. She says, these bars are filled with things that kill, and by now you probably should have learned. Did you forget that yellow bird? How could you forget that yellow bird? She took a small silver wreath and pinned it onto me. She said this one will bring you love. I don't know if it's true, but I keep it for good luck.

What's Up?...

2005-11-15T17:52:00.000-05:00

Went to the bar last night. I made a list. No, not in my book, but I did put that I had to make two lists on my list. Anyways, all intentions of just knocking it out today. So far, it's 6pm, and I called in my car payment. Damnit. Where's my motivation. Now, one would've thought that since I have to go back to work tomorrow and all my suits smell like a mixture of smoke, random spilt alcohol and dirty people, that would have been motivation to at least make it to the dry cleaners. Nope, guess not. I haven't done shit. I at least have to clean out my car. Gotta pick Melissa up from the airport tonight. I'm starting to get real frustrated with people picking flights that arrive at 11pm. You're cutting into my bar time! Get a flight that comes in at 4am or something. I gotta stop typing and at least accomplish half my list. See ya!

We Might As Well Be Strangers....

2005-11-14T17:37:00.000-05:00

Ahh. The first of two days off. Got out of bed around 430. I actually slept okay last night. Had a rough time getting to sleep, but what's new. About ten minutes after getting out of bed, I realized that today is one of THOSE days. I'm not real sure how to describe it. Let's just say if I watched Oprah, she'd make me cry. If I read a good book, I'd probably cry. If I get a papercut, I'll probably cry. I wish so much that I could blame being a woman. PMS is the best cop-out I've ever heard. I mean, if you don't want to be bothered, just say you're PMS-ing. People just go running. Anyways, I'm not. I'm just crying at everything. Why? I have no fucking idea. This just happens every once in a while. It's not that I'm upset, or incapable of laughing. It's almsot as though I hold everything in for so long that my tear ducts overflow. Then today happens. But the good news is, I think I may be coming out of my slump. Maybe this is the climax.

Anyways, so my friend Mikey called. We used to hang out all the time. But now I work nights. Granted, I used to go over to his house at 4am and we would drink slurpees, but now I've got this stupid ass routine that's so damn hard to break. Anyways, we talked. For a while. Him and I have not had a chance to talk in a long time. It's funny, me, him, and our friend Ron used to be inseperable. But, once again, I work nights. They go out on Wednesdays. I can't. I miss them so much. And Shawn and John too. The four of them make me feel so much better about everything. It's funny. I don't even have to say anything's wrong. They know. They give me hugs. Everything's good.
So the point is, Mikey and I talked. A lot. And about a lot of things. I had to get a lot off my chest. I was about to explode. Granted, there's much more, but I think I'm good for now. It's funny. People say that so and so is their best friend, but I can't do that. I have 7. And they're all different. And they're all my best friends for a reason. It's crazy. Mikey, Ron, you definetly make the list. I miss you guys so much.

You Light Up My Life...

2005-11-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a complete insomniac. I go in spurts. I will sleep fine for a week or so, then be up for three. Like last night. So so tired. Could not fall asleep. I had to watch the news to try to be so bored as to shut my eyes. Finally got there around 1030am. Plus, my dream last night didn't help. I had another weird one. But that's not the point. I wanted to confess a dirty little secret. It's nothing juicy. But it's one of those things that you just don't go around bragging about. I want to profess my love for Bob Ross.

Now, I'm sure the name is not a household name, but everyone knows who he is. Ever seen the show "The Joy of Painting"? Yes, the painter. It's only on Saturday mornings at 730am, but I watch it every week. It is the best sleep aid ever! The only problem is I never get to see the finished painting. It's weird. Normally I am struggling to get to sleep, but with him, I just want to see the end result and I'm fighting to stay awake. There's just something about how he half whispers, and the gently tapping of the paint brushes, making a slight crunching sound when he paints the sky. And that afro. Who could not love it? He's like a big ball of narcolapsy in one half hour period.

So, a couple questions about Bob. First, can he only paint outdoor scenes? I have never seen anything different. It's always, a sun during a sunset, with a lake below surrounded by pine trees. Occasionally there will be the remains of an old fence. I would love to see him break loose and paint some sort of portrait. Or copy a Van Gogh or something. Second, does he ever mess up? And if he does, he's very good at making it unnoticed. I wonder if he does mess up, they just stop rolling and start over. Third, what happens to his paintings? I was watching it the other day, and he said he donated some to PBS stations for fundraising. I wonder how much people actually pay for these. Especially when the point of the show is teaching you how to paint them yourself. I wonder if he'll ever be famous. Like 20 years after he dies or something. Those paintings could become a real hot commodity.

Okay, I admit it. I'm bizarre. Just having a real bad day, and something I was thinking about. Anyways, gotta go get ready for work. Ugh.

Dream A Little Dream For Me...

2005-11-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

Feeling a bit better today. Thought about deleting the last post, but that's just stupid. But I do have this lingering odd feeling about today. I had this dream last night. Really bizzare. I don't know if I can describe it accuratly here, but it was really realistic. So Shana and I were in Chicago. There was this bus stop type thing, enclosed in glass across the street. We were in there waiting to go see the humongous teddy bear downtown. Somehow, and this is still fuzzy, someone shot me with a shotgun in the back. This is where it gets really random. I call 911 on my cell phone. It was 1pm. Now, this is one of multiple dreams that I've had in a city and at a certain time or on a certain day, parts of the city are closed down. I mean, completely. I only mention this because Shana told me in my dream that it might be a while cause all the city was closed off in this section. So we went upstairs to the apartment. I don't know who's. I laid there with a jacket on, so no one could see my wound. But for some reason, I wasn't bleeding. I packed a bag but couldn't find my cell phone charger. This guy matt, from work was there. Shana decided to drive me to the hospital around 4, when the ambulance never came. Matt told me to call him when I knew anything. We drove and somehow picked people up on the way. I remember Dwight being there and someone else. People kept patting me on the back and I would tell them, so non-chalantly, that I had been shot. Anyways, we get to the hospital and park in the parking structure. Now this is really weird. We went to the top floor. All of the sudden the whole thing lifted off the building, did some whirly thing. Like that ride at the amusement park... Oh, I can't describe it. Anyways, the view looked like Vegas. I know I was holding on. cause I hate rides. And someone kept saying that this is the only building that does this when it's not New Years. This floating section of building attaches to the top of the hospital. We go in and put our name on the list. In the mean time, I went to some sort of concert with my friend Jim. I have not a clue what that was all about. Then my back started to hurt even worse so I went back to the waiting room. They finally called me up after 3 more hours, according to my dream watch. But they didn't call my name. They called something else. It started with Au.... I can't remember what the hell it was. Anyways, so I had to get in this ambulance type thing. They drove around some sort of street to another room exactly like the last. Sent me in the examining room. My friend Ramon was in there looking at his back tattoo. I decided to look at mine. I lifted up my shirt. My tattoos were gone but there was a big gaping bullet hole. it was disgusting. I put my shirt back down. The doctor came in. Started to examine me. And then I woke up. It was weird. I mean, my back still hurt while I was sleeping. weird weird weird.

A Time To Be So Small...

2005-11-12T05:47:00.000-05:00

Got home from work tonight. Easy night. Freeway is finally open! And the pavement still sucks. Anyways, so I was checking e-mail and such, just fucking around. Was messing around with this dumbass myspace account I have now. I didn't want it. I really didn't, but Ron and Mikey told me to do it. So I did. I know I know, jump off a bridge anyone? Anyways, so I'm just messing around, looking at stuff. When I found something. Something bizzarre. Something so wonderful yet potentially dangerous. I found my old best friend from high school. It has been almost 8 years since I have talked to him. For no good reason either. Just went our seperate ways. I have missed him immensely, and now here's my chance. Anyways, so after much pondering and thought of how this could turn out and how great he always was to me and such and how much I loved hanging out with him, I thought, well, I'll send him a message. It ends up as some sort of bullshit like Hey stranger, haven't talked to you in while, drop me a note. How fucking stupid does that sound? Then, on top of it, I put my last name on the message. Oh god, I'm an idiot. But, then again, it gets worse...

Still just messing around, I start just plugging in random people that I haven't seen in a while. Thinking that this nostaligia thing is just the best idea since deoderant. Well, here's a hint, nostaligia is never a good thing. So I find my friend Jay. I actually talked to him on my birthday. We tend to run into each other every once in a while. Whether it's at the bar, 7-11, or the gas station. He's my buddy. Anyways, dated his friend for a while. Actually, he was my friend also. Eric. Anyone who's known me for a while, knows Eric. We dated for, I don't know, 8 months or something back in 2001. While I was still in my apartment. I loved him. I really really did. I mean, we had a weird thing, where we met at the movie theatre where we both worked. We did the flirting thing for a few years. Yes, a few years. Then finally, the time was right. Or so we thought. Anyways, I was completely stressed all the time. Too much pressure at work. I was a bitch. I expected too much, and I fucked up. But yet, I think I was the one that ended it. I mean, no regrets of course. Obviously it was not meant to be. But I haven't talked to him since. Actually, I think he came up to Chatters once, but it was brief. There are many things in my life that I couldn't care less of the outcome, but I really feel bad about this one. He was my best friend. And I miss him. Not necessarily say in the romantic sense, cause who's to say one way or the other, but just in the general sense. I don't know if he hates me or if he thinks I hate him. Damn. I hate thinking too much. Anyways, point is, in my nostalgic haze, he received a message also. Consisting of something such as "How's things on your side of the block?" Can someone just come shoot me now?

So the whole point of this whole thing is that a ten minute sitting at my computer has now turned into about 2 hours. I have done what I have done and there's no taking it back. I'm not nearly the same person as I used to be. Ask anyone that knows me. My temper is nearly extinct, and different priorities do wonders for your sense of humor. I don't want to be that person again. And I never will be. I just hope it wasn't a big mistake contacting these people. I mean, the past is the past for a reason. How will it mesh with the present? Hopefully well, because I miss you guys. Hell, I have such a list of people that I just wish so much I could find. Maybe I'll put that in my book...

Anyways, Eric, if by some chance you read this, here it is. My official apology. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be such a bitch. And I didn't know I was until I stopped for a minute and actually sucked it up to admit it.

And I'm sure tomorrow I'm gonna wonder why I wrote all this. But that's okay, sometimes it just needs to be said.

We Built This City...

2005-11-11T04:45:00.000-05:00

It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street
Police have got the choke hold, and we just lost the beat

Ever feel like you're just standing still? Everything around you is moving and rustling and you're just there to observe? Such is my life. I need to get out. I need to do something. I got this book not too long ago. It's called the Do It Did It Handbook. It's a little odd. It's just lists. Blank lists. There are 365 different blank lists with topics (i.e. Drinks to order, Names for Pets, etc.) You are supposed to fill in the blanks and check off the things once you do them. Now, for one thing, the names of pets thing kinda bothers me. I mean, I'm 26. I don't think I'll even have 10 pets in my lifetime. I mean, ones that I name. Granted, I named my dog Marley, but can I put that on the list? I already did it. Is it cheating to write down things you've already done and check them off just to feel some sort of accomplishment?

They are finally going to start construction for the hotel at work. Which means they are shutting down the parking lots. Yay. If it's not enough that at least 7 cars were stolen in the past month, now we're probably going to have to park at Tiger's Stadium. Yeah, that's a smart move. Starting Sunday, we park in the structure, but it's just a matter of time. I think if that happens, my smartest move will to have someone drive me to work. I really like my car too much to subject it to crazy people to break into it and drive it around like they're hopped up on the drugs and piss in the seats and leave cum stains in the back.

I really don't have much else to say. Gonna go settle into my routine for the night. Fuck, I have 102 vacation hours to use. Let's go somewhere. Any suggestions?

I can make a list of places to go and stuff... yeah... well, here's my first list...
1. Start making lists in my book
2. Try and check at least one thing off by the end of the year

Enjoy the Silence...

2005-11-08T07:43:00.000-05:00

"kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri"

It's 745am. I just finished watching the movie "Audition" (or Odishon). For those of you that are not familiar with this movie, it was made in 1999 in Japan. All sub-titled. And completely and utterly FUCKED UP! I knew it was gonna be kinda gruesome, but it's just really bizarre. I think I need to watch it again. It's kinda hard to start. And I really don't want to give anything away. But if you can get through the first 35-45 minutes and the subtitles, then you will probably find it worth watching. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's one of the best directed movies I've ever seen. Wow. Almost don't really want to go to bed now. Kinda freaked. All I can say is if I ever catch myself waiting that intensely for a phone call, someone please kill me.

"Words create lies. Pain can be trusted."

Maps...

2005-11-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

So, weird day. Stayed up all night. Watched Dickie Roberts. It was okay, but the end with all the former child stars singing was pretty funny. Anyways, talked to mom aroudn eight this morning. We played with the dogs and such. Then she asked if I would take care of my step-dad if anything ever happened to her. Of course I said yes. Then we discussed how we would both live in our respective cars cause neither of us could afford the house. Ha ha ha... we laughed. Whatever. Got up for work. Ate dinner, got dressed. As I was leaving, mom was filling out a new life insurance policy. Okay, this is getting weird. I know she's sick. She's talking about pushing her histerectomy up to next week (instead of Thanksgiving week). I have a feeling this is a bit more serious than I thought. Hopefully I'll find out some news this week. It's strange to imagine that one of your parents are really ill. Something that I never really thought about, until it's happened.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark...

2005-11-04T17:07:00.000-05:00

So I guess today is the day everything goes back to normal again. No more birthday. No more Halloween. Back to work. Had a great time last night. About 15-20 people showed. We drank. We danced. We drank some more. It was a blast. I got home and ate some tacos. Don't remember crawling into bed. I think I tried to watch Survivor before passing out. Didn't think I was that bad. Actually feel pretty good today. As much as a wonderful time it was last night, there are still a couple things bothering me, I will admit. I had a great turn out. I love everyone that was there. I was just a little bothered by a couple people who said they were coming and never showed. I mean, not even a Happy Birthday message or anything. I understand that everyone has their own things to think about. I just wish I would've at least heard from these people. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I just don't like to feel like I'm forgotten. I think most people can agree with that. I know this goes into such greater issues, but, for everyone's sake, I won't even start. I just want to say that I miss the hell out of Jamie. (For anyone that doesn't know, ten years ago, he killed himself. Probably the best person I've ever met.)

I've been thinking. This is not where I want to be. I don't want to keep getting up, in my parent's house, drink a cup of coffee, write on here, take a shower, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch my tivo, and hope to fall asleep sometime before 10am, then wake up at exactly 413pm again, and start the whole thing over. I need something else, I've decided. I don't know what that is yet, but it's gotta happen soon. I love my job, so that can stay. But maybe a house, maybe a new extracurricular activity, maybe a new hobby, maybe a new man. It's hard to say what will make me happy right now, but i really need out of this slump. I'm sure it's because I know the inevitable holidays are right around the corner. Ugh. Wish I could just fast forward the next two months or so. I just don't understand why it's so hard to remember good things sometimes, but bad things are always lingering in thoughts. Like, you could name any month of the year and i could give you some sort of tragedy that occured, but it would probably be a struggle to think of some great thing that happened. What a weird thought. I'm ususally a pretty positive person. When it comes to other people. I think I just need a little push right now. Ugh. Damnit. I hate this day. I'm dealing tonight, I think I'm gonna try to get out early.

Love of mine,
Someday you will die,
But I'll be close behind,
And follow you into the dark.
The blinding light,
Where tunnels to gates of white,
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of the spark.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's
On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.
Catholic school,
As vicious as roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised,
By a lady in black.
And I held my tongue,
As she told me, son,
Fear is the heart of love,
So I never went back.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's
On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.
You and me,
Have seen everything to see,
From Bangcok to Calgory,
And the Soles of your shoes,
Are all worn down,
The time for sleep is now,
It's nothing to cry about,
Cus we'll hold eachother soon,
In the blackest of moons.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's
On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.
I'll follow you into the dark.

You Say It's Your Birthday...

2005-11-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

So, it's my day. Just got out of bed. Thinking about going shopping. Got nothing to do until 645 when Shana comes to get me. I don't know if I expected to wake to something spectacular, but it's really quite uneventful around here. Same as any day. I really need to go shopping. But don't wanna go by myself. This sucks. 26 years old now, and still can't shop by myself. I think it's because of impulse buying. At least if someone else is there, they can try to stop me. I hate to shop anyways. Maybe I can just skip it. But do you ever find yourself wearing the same thing over and over? I can't stand that. Anyways, not much to say today. It's my birthday and I'm going to enjoy it, damnit! I'm going back to bed for a while.

Miss you Jamie...

Untitled...

2005-10-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween!

Well kids, it's here. The most coveted day of the year. What a wonderful day. The smell of the leaves changing, All the candy. The acceptance of being someone you're not. Who could want more? Me. I don't want to work. I want to be able to dress up. I want to go to parties at a decent time. Ugh. Not a happy camper. I'll get over it.
Anyways, a bunch has happened over the weekend. Nothing really important. But to update on that girl that I wrote up, she's grieving it. Thanks a fucking lot, union. That's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. How can you grieve a write-up for insubordination. Especially when at least three other people heard it. I wrote my voluntary statement. My shift manager even thought it was ridiculous. We'll see. Also, another dealer apparently got the bright idea to sew pockets in her apron. Wow. Smart move. In a casino where they're overly paranoid anyways. Now they have to search everyone and check their aprons on the way in. It has become kind of a running joke around there.
Don't really have time to type much today. Gotta busy busy week coming. Right now I'm going to help Mike set up for the big party. The least I can do I suppose. Anyways, hope to see some of you there... as long as you're still coherent at 430am. See ya!!!

All That I Know...

2005-10-28T17:44:00.000-04:00

Crazy day yesterday. I made it to work in one piece, even though 99% of people around here really can't figure out the merge concept on the freeway. Everything was going okay, was feeling a bit weird cause I didn't get to have my coffee before work. Anyways, there was a work sponsered fund-raising party at Fifth Avenue downtown last night called the Boo Bash. Happens every year, put on by food and beverage. Didn't go, obviously. So around 2am, sitting in the break room, Mike comes running in saying there was a big brawl with bottles flying and someone getting a beat down at the Boo Bash. First I heard it was a bunch of dealers beating on security, then I found out it was floor people, like myself. I still don't know exactly what happened, but damn, I wish I would've gone now. Shana and Melissa were there. Shana said there were so many people around and people fleeing out the door that she couldn't really tell everything that happened. Plus the fact that she doesn't know these people doesn't help. I told her I'd find out the story tonight at work.
So on top of that, while walking out, my friends Charlotte and Clarence were in the parking lot yelling about something. Turns out someone broke into Charlotte's car. Now, our parking lots are supposedly quite secure. 24 hour surveillence and security driving around. Apparently they missed something, two days in a row. My friend John's car was stolen on Wednesday night. Charlotte had one of those things to lock your pedals on her car, so they left it. I wonder what I'd do if someone stole my car. Would I not realize it for a while, thinking I forgot where I parked?
And one more thing. I had to write-up my first dealer. I'm usually pretty understanding and patient with them. I mean, I don't forget where I came from. I know what it's like. But when you're dealing to this guy named John, who knows all his payouts, and, once you deal to him a few times, you know them too, you should be depending on your supervisor for help. This guy puts about $400-$600 in action every roll of the dice. When something hits, you have to figure out the payout, then subtract the losers. Anyways, so a hard eight hit. I remember his bets perfectly, but I won't get into that. I'm trying to figure it out, while the two dealers and yelling numbers at me. I told them to wait and I'd get it. So I told them the payout. The dealer on stick, in front of the whole table, looks at me and says "You're wrong." I started to ask why, and question myself, starting to explain how I got my payout, then realized, I don't have to do that. I knew I was right. Anyways, she kept talking about how I was wrong. Gets to the other base of the table, and says to my floorperson "She's wrong, I know I'm right." Well, this gets my floor pissed off. He asked me what happened, I told him, he agreed with my payout and agreed with the fact she should be written up. Then, to top it all off, the dealer must have realized she was in trouble cause she leaned down to me and said "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to learn." Bitch.

Sweet Dreams...

2005-10-27T17:01:00.000-04:00

I love Henry Rollins. I think that's all I really have to say about that. Yesterday ended up pretty decent. Went to the show. After two people cancelled out, called my friend Mark, and just let the other ticket go. Went to Chatters, got to see Ron and Shawn. I don't think I have many happier moments then with them. I know that sounds cheesy. But it's true. Ate some Taco Bell. Slept on the couch. I'm such a bum. Well, as good as Taco Bell is, I try not to eat it more than every four months or so. I thought I was going to throw up. Had to do that rationalization thing with myself for a while last night. I hate bargaining with myself. Anyways, had some fucked up dreams. Can't remember much, but what I do remember was just crazy. I know I was dreaming that I was sitting at some bar in the middle of the day with my friend Chud. We were doing some sort of craft project and he ran out to my car to get something. Came back in and was upset cause I had bought someone's kid a halloween toy or something. He was holding a big bag of gumballs and said "Maybe one day you'll spend money on me for Halloween" then it was over. What?!?! I'm sorry I have not gotten you a Halloween gift, Chud. Then I dreamt that my old roommate was moving back in. I vaguely remember this one. I remember something about misquito netting. Woke up to find he called me, left some obscure message. It's gonna be a fucked up day. Yay. Gotta go hype myself up on coffee. The bird flu is dragging me down a bit. Or maybe it's just the Taco Bell.

Nobody Knows...

2005-10-26T03:50:00.000-04:00

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
Now I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

1-The nights are lonely

The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
Now I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside, and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, its a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night
As if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...

The Sound of Settling...

2005-10-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

Well, the last post was getting a little long, and I wanted to get it on there before my hell day causes some sort of freak accident and loses everything. So, if you're just tuning in, this is part 2.
Something happened at work this morning. Something that I dare not speak of, and I would rather not even discuss. But it's a big deal. If anyone knows me, they know. There are two things that I really go all out and celebrate. St. Patty's Day and Halloween. The Halloween plans have been made. Since about two months ago. I love this time of year. And the best part is, that my friends are just as crazy about it as I. Anyways, so Mike is having his annual party. It's always a good time. Everyone dresses up. There's a hottub. He get smoke machines, and just goes all out. I was at the first one. Always a good time. Well, guess not this year. I have to work. I have NEVER worked on Halloween. Now I'm stuck from 8pm til 4 in the morning. What the fuck?!?!? The scheduling lady knows how I feel about this day. I don't even know if I can dress up at work. I'm not a happy camper. I can't afford to call in. And switching will be nearly impossible since I only have that Tuesday to offer. Since my birthday partys are Wednesday and Thursday. Oh well.

I need to get dressed and get out of here. Is there a baseball game on tonight? Yes... eight o'clock. Well, I'm off to hit the shower. Hopefully things can only get better today.

The Hardest Button To Button...

2005-10-25T18:16:00.000-04:00

Today is not starting off as planned. Wednesday, Shana, Sam and our friend Brandon and I are going to see Henry Rollins' spoken word in Ann Arbor. I had gotten the tickets about a month ago, so naturally I was worried about where they were located now. I had some crazy dream about it. Now, to explain, there is a big black desk in out foyer. The top drawer is mine. It's filled with all sorts of mail. Bills, catalogues, health insurance info, and, for some reason, candy. Anyways, I figured they were in there, but then started to get worried. My house is supernatural. Things up and disappear all the time. I mean, out of thin air. I used to have a lot more clothes than I have now. I think we even had some fish. All gone. So I got out of bed, and came down to look in the drawer. To my relief, they were. Good stuff.
So then I started thinking. My Depeche Mode tickets came last Saturday. Did I put them in the drawer? Cause I didn't see them. I looked again, and again. Nothing. I asked my parents if they had seen them. All my mom could say is that there was a bunch of shit on the table. I knew exactly what that meant. She fucking threw them away. And then says "Well, you shouldn't have left them sitting there." For Christ's sake. It was two days. And anyone in their right mind would have looked in the envelope first. This is now MY fault. So, I proceeded to pick up all the stuff on the table and asked them if I could throw it all out, cause they just let it sit there. This kind of shit happens all the time. Like when my mom called from work to make sure I wasn't eating on the new couch, then an hour later, gets home and eats dinner on there. Like the little refrigerator. I'll explain when I'm done... Anyways, so out came the garbage bags. How humiliating is it to sit in your backyard in your pajamas, rummaging through yesterday's garbage? Found the tickets. Along with about ten other pieces of my mail that I had never even seen. It's really time to get out of this house.
Oh, the fridge. So one day my mom, step-dad, and I were talking. I had come home earlier that day to a refrigerator full of strawberries. I can't eat strawberries. I can't eat anything with seeds. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I can't remember what mom made for dinner, but I couldn't eat that either. Now, my mother knows my problem. Hell, she took me for surgery the first time. But apparently this is a hassle for her to make slight alterations in the cooking. Anyways, so she brings up in serious discussion that she was going to get me my own little fridge and fill it with food I can eat. She would keep it in the garage.
There are so many more. I feel like a tenant. It's just ridiculous. It is funny though. Shana and I swap many menopause stories.

Note: While typing this, I went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Was talking to my mom about the little fridge. She was complaining yesterday of getting her period, again. This will be three in the past seven weeks. Almost a year ago, she was having some problems, and went to the doctor. They found a small tumor in her ovaries, did a DNC and everything ended up fine. Well, guess she went to the doctor today and she has to go back for a biopsy. I guess this is my way of telling anyone, cause I don't want to think about it. As much craziness as she throws my way, it really is funny to think about.

I have more to discuss, but I think I'll just make it another post.

Virtual Insanity...

2005-10-23T19:36:00.000-04:00

Fucking Gremlins. I was happily watching television. Ending the evening with the documentary of Biggie and Tupac's murders. Quite interesting actually. It was totally set up. Suge Knight and the Bloods... ha ha... I have not a clue what I'm talking about. Anyways, so Marley (my big doggy) and I were on the couch and I switched on the regular tv to see Gremlins. Marley immediately jumped up and went to bed. Apparently, she has the same opinion of these creatures as I. I don't know about anyone else, but when I was little, there were two things I was terrified of. Micheal Jackson's Thriller video (the long version) and Gremlins. I have not seen the movie in at least 13 years...for a reason. I remember when my dad lived in Riverview, when I would go and visit I would stay with my step-sister. She had the Gremlins book. I spent many many nights awake, staring at that book. I don't know why I'm so terrified of these things. It's so stupid. Anyways, so I sat and watched the last 45 minutes or so. A few things struck me as odd.
First of all, why is this movie classified as a comedy? At least it was by my guide thingy. Many children were probably scarred by this movie, such as myself.
Secondly, it struck me as a bit disturbing to see poor Billy being beaten by puppets when all he had to do was turn on the lights. Is he really that stupid? Gizmo knew what to do... And speaking of him being attacked, that crazy bitch with the stripe on his head (I believe he had that most clever name of Stripe) was attacking Billy with a chainsaw. All there was between them was a baseball bat. How in bloody hell did that chainsaw not cut through that bat? Also, have you ever seen a Gremlins arms? There's no way it had the strength to pick that thing up. And how does Gizmo know how to drive? And that crazy asian guy with one eye. Thanks for that image.
At the end, the narrator says "So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or video recorder conks out, before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check out all the closets and cupboards. Look under all the beds. Cause you never can tell. There just might be a Gremlin in your house."

Thanks MutherFuckers. Like I wasn't already paranoid enough.
I am never revisiting past things that have haunted me again.

I need a drink. Bar and World Series, here I come.... Go Sox!

Are You Jimmy Ray?...

2005-10-22T17:36:00.000-04:00

Yay! It's my Friday. Got Sunday off, work Monday, then off Tuesday Wednesday. Work Thursday through Sunday, then off for four days. Decided we are going to boogie fever for my birthday on the third. Pretty excited. I was telling Shana while we were in Chicago that they should have a club with primarily 90's music. It seems to be the forgotten era. I mean, 80's are big, and 70's, then there's today. What happened to the 90's? There's some good shit. At least it can make you laugh. I'm currently making a CD to listen to on my way to work (which now takes about 45 minutes...fucking construction). So far, this is the playlist... I believe there is only one song that was not released in the 90's. I know I have forgotten many, but that's cause I couldn't find them.
Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia) - Us3
Nobody Knows - Tony Rich
C'mon and Ride It - Quad City DJ's
3A.M. Eternal - The KLF
This is How We Do It - Montell Jordan
Beautiful Life - Ace of Base
Informer - Snow
Too Legit To Quit - MC Hammer
Rebirth of Slick - Digable Planets
Move This - Technotronic
Are You Jimmy Ray? - Jimmy Ray
Tennessee - Arrested Development
Back For Good - Take That
Your Woman - White Town
Things That Make You Go Hmmm - C&C Music Factory
Slam - Onyx
No Diggity - Blackstreet
O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
Sweat - Inner Circle
Blue (Da Ba Dee) - Eiffel 65
I Love Your Smile - Shanice
Better Days - Citizen King
All 4 Love - Color Me Badd
Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic

If you can think of any others, let me know. I'm so happy! This music is awesome! Oh, and Chud, I'm still trying to find a recording of B-Girls. I can't find it anywhere. And I also need At The Playground.

Where Are You?...

2005-10-17T04:55:00.000-04:00

Hey you,
Haven't felt like this before
You got style but ain't got soul
Are you happy now?
Are you happy tonight?
Did punk-rock get it right?
Is there no future sight?
Ohhh is it different now?
Is it different?
Come on, come on
Come on, come on

Where are you?
Where are you?
I'm kickin' and screamin'
Your not listening
Where are you?
Where are you?
Everything i've believed in
Is light to me

This could be the best day of my life
The best day of my life

Hey you,
Have you got everything you want?
Do you want more than you got?
Is it different now?
Is it different tonight?
Did Jesus get it right?
Is the Devil behind the light?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy?
Come on, come on
Come on, come on

Where are you?
Where are you?
I'm kickin' and screamin'
Your not listening
Where are you?
Where are you?
Everything i've believed in
Is light to me

This could be the best day of my life

Ohhh son's and daughter's
Mother's and father's
Everyone's waiting for our luck to change

Son's and daughter's
Mother's and father's
Everyone's waiting, waiting
'Cause this could be the best day
This could be the best day
This could be the best day, best day, best day
Come on, come on
Come on, come on

Where are you?
Where are you?
I'm kickin' and screamin'
Your not listening
Where are you?
Where are you?
Everything i've believed in
Is light to me

This could be the best day
This could be the best day
This could be the best day, best day, best day
This could be the best day
This could be the best day
This could be the best day, best day, best day
Of my life.

I don't understand why some people underestimate me so much. I earned where I'm at. I'm really not a stupid person. I suppose since I'm younger than about 95% of the people I work with, it's natural. But I feel I have to prove myself everyday. I just wish once I could walk in there and do what I do without question. At least I can try to keep a good attitude about it. I know my potential and what I'm capable of. Guess that's what matters at this point.

And on a completely different, yet related note, I got home this morning, around 430 or so. Parked the car. Getting ready to catch up on some movie watching. Walking up to my front door, I noticed my car was not where I left it thirty seconds ago. Fucking parking brake. Had to run down the street to catch it as it was rolling away. When I got back in, I knew I had to re-park it. Hoping no neighbors saw the incident, I decided to drive around the block just in case and park it in a different spot. Saddest part, not the first time. I will never forget going to the DIA with my friend James right after I got my license. We were parking, and had to stop at the little booth thing to pay the attendant. I reached out the window to hand her the money and almost tore my arm off cause I took my foot off the brake. The lady grabbed my hand until I pulled the parking brake. Okay... now I get it. Forget the last paragraph. I can't blame these people. If I weren't me, I'd be laughing at me too.

Dance Hall Days...

2005-10-15T16:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Sweetest Day!!!

I know I know. It's a stupid made up holiday. Hell, I don't even believe in it. But it does kinda bring you a little down when everyone celebrates it cause they can. I don't even have an option. Well, whatever. I spit on the happy people. Okay, not all of them. Just most. Especially the ones that like to rub it in. I guess I really have no room to complain. It's not anyone else's fault that I can't make a decision or stick to anything that makes me happy because I feel if it makes me happy, then I must be missing something. Oh, to not be neurotic for just one day. (I'm sure you all will have a field day with that one)

Anyways, on to other things. Thursday was one of the worst nights ever. I was working with Barry in the Poker Room. I love Barry, but it's just a matter of time till the man has a heart attack. He stresses more than anyone I know. So it was a normal night of him freaking out. I was on the bank, so I was up front all night. It was busy as hell. Plus, my relief had not a clue how to do his job. Anyways, so along with doing my normal job, trying to order money from the cage, and keeping my boss from croaking, I had to fix everyone else's paperwork. Well, by the end of the night, I got it all done. Everyone was seated at their tables. The bank was replenished. My feet were about to fall off. And I believe I got three write-ups. Fucking bastards. Just for fixing other people's work so they wouldn't get suspended. Yeah, that makes sense.

Last night, much better. I was in the dungeon. It's actually pit 7, but the ceilings are so low and the lights so dim, it seems like a dungeon. At one point, they pulled me in the office. It was me, shift manager Bob, back up shift Jack, admin David, and the union rep Bill. They called a dealer in to discuss her attendance and pending suspension. Blah blah blah I'm still sitting there. Thinking. Damn Poker Room. Damn, I called off Wednesday. And they're making me wait for my doom. Fuckers. Then in comes another dealer, receiving her third suspension for the last 8 months. They go through the motions, and the dealer leaves. I thought for sure this was my time. Then David hands me three counterfiet markers and sends me on my way. Were they fucking with me? They like to do that. Like when I got promoted. A bunch of people were just taken out in handcuffs for stealing. They pulled me in the office and asked if I had worked with the supervisor that was doing it. Of course, with my luck, I had everyday for the past month or so. They asked if I noticed anything unusual. I told them not really... and on and on. Anyways, they said there was a pending investigation on me. I had just had my interview, so I was pretty upset. I was told I was suspended. I cried. And said I had nothing to do with it, then finally said fuck it, I'll sign it and prove it, and blah blah. Anyways, they hand me the form, and it was my promotion letter. I was so mad. I looked at my shift and said "Fuck you". And they laughed and laughed. He said he started to feel bad when I started crying, but it just made it funnier. Sometimes they still laugh about it. Anyways, now that I'm way off topic, nothing happened. Apparently, when they call dealers in, and it's all men in the office, they need a woman. Thanks guys. Thanks for letting me know. Damnit.

So vacation bid is next week. Any days I need off? I'm drawing a blank. I took my birthday off. November 3rd. Less than three weeks. I've been thinking, and I really don't feel like planning anything this year. I know I don't want to go to Chatters. But I don't know what I want to do. I was thinking maybe downtown or Royal Oak. Just find some hole in the wall. I'm trying to think of something in a central location of sorts so I can get work people there. I don't know. Such a hassle. Anyways, for anyone who's reading this, Mike is having his annual Halloween party on Halloween this year. Everyone's invited. It's at his house in Taylor.

And about the title of this post.I know it has nothing to do with anything. Just it's been in my head for days now. Damn you Wang Chung!
Well, gotta get ready for work. Gonna try and get out early. Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Home Sweet Home...

2005-10-13T04:53:00.000-04:00

Well, we're back. Ended up taking an extra day. What the hell. It was fun. I don't want to get too much into it right now, I really would like to go to bed. Just didn't want to forget to write anything at all. Just finished building the coffee table I bought for the parents. Is it possible to bruise your palms? The screwdriver I was using seemed to be a bit worn, so I had to twist it with both hands, now they really hurt. Oh well. And it ends up not even being the right color. Just my luck. Everything's paintable, right? Anyways, trip was really fun. Got to learn some spanish, since Meghan seems to live in a Puerto Rican neighborhood. Actually, many lessons were learned. All you can eat asian places are not necessarily a good thing. 5am bars after the all you can eat asian food is probably a worse idea. If you want to drive somewhere within 50 miles of Chicago, you better leave an hour early to find parking. Baskin Robbins/Dunkin Donuts seem to be owned by very rude Indian men who really get offended when you walk in the door. The Hershey's Store is awesome! When you're really hungry, fondue is NOT the way to go. You'll just end up starving, exhausted, and in the Baskin Robbins. Aerobeds are probably the most uncomfortable night's sleep you'll get. Better have good peripheral vision cause you won't be able to turn your head. Gary, Indiana smells really bad.
That's about all I got for now. Need to ice palms. Need to sleep on something that doesn't inflate. See ya soon.

Wasting Time...

2005-10-07T16:53:00.000-04:00

I don't really have much to say today. This week has definitely started much less eventful then how last week ended. We are watching my brother's dog. This thing is maniacal. It just barks and barks and chews your arm a bit, then barks some more. I think I may be going a bit deaf at this point. Only three more days... Anyways, going to Chicago on Monday. Just for two days or so. I'm excited. It will be fun just to get out. Shana and I are going to visit her sister, and Pam and Maynard are coming to join. No big deal. Maybe I can find a halloween costume out there. Having a bit of trouble this year. I know what I wanna be, I just can't find the right costume. Has anyone ever rented one? I was thinking that would be okay. Then I could do something really elaborate.
Let's see, waiting for the Venetian to call back again. Apparently, when they call you and the recording says if you want to schedule an interview at a later time, you can call them back, they lied. I keep trying to call back and it just tells me that my status has not changed. Guess I have to wait for them.
Got Depeche Mode tickets today. That's exciting. For me at least.
Okay, I got nothing. I'm gonna go get ready for work. Maybe I'll get out early and get wasted and be able to post some crazy rambling.

Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting...

2005-10-03T19:11:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those days where you just don't want to move? Getting in the shower seems like a huge task, and the couch is your best friend. Yeah, that's my day. I would really like to go out tonight. I'm thinking it wouldn't be so bad to just wear my jammys. I don't feel like getting dressed. I especially don't feel like brushing my hair.
Anyways, last night was fun. I was in the poker room on the board. That's where you check people in, answer the phone, and call people for their selected game. Almost like some sort of traffic controller. Anyways, figured it was Sunday, and easy night. Well, apparently no one had anywhere to go today. By about 930 there were 26 people on the 50/200 list and about 30 on the 10/20 list. I know that means nothing to most people, unless you have actually been in a poker room. Needless to say it was busy. Anyways, we were running a tournament, where you buy in, and everyone starts with the same amount of chips and whoever has all of them at the end, wins. This guy walked up to the counter and tried to hand me his buy in money. $110. I told him he has to buy in at the table. He insisted that I take it, saying he had to run somewhere before the tournament. I kept telling him I couldn't take it, and to do what he needed to do then buy in at the table. So about and hour or so later, he walks up to the counter and says "Where's my money?" I just kinda looked at him, and he repeated it again. Saying something about how he gave me his money but never played in the tournament and now he wants it back and blah blah blah. I told him that I wouldn't let him buy in up there. At this point he's literally screaming. There's at least five people standing up at the desk waiting to be checked in, the phone's ringing, and I was trying to start another table. This guy got right in my face. The guy standing next to me, on the bank, kept telling him that we didn't have his money. I kept thinking, well, I have a stapler and a microphone. I could probably do some damage. Finally, I got pissed. I said "If you'll stop screaming at me, I'll tell you what happened." To which his response was something of cursing me and telling me I'm an idiot. Anyways, I was fed up. I just yelled out " You want me to empty my pockets? Will that make you happy?" And proceded to take everything out of my pockets and waved the lining around. He said something to the effect ofthat's not what he wanted. Which, him accusing me of taking his money, I would've thought that would help. Anyways, my pit comes running up from wherever he was. Again, tries to communicate with the screaming man. Man wants none of it. Then I hear my pit say, and I quote, "If you think you're going to get $110, you're gonna have to go through me". I almost died. So I guess this is the point where security found it necessary to step in. I went back among my business. All I heard was security guy say "Oh, you're not gonna touch me and get away with it." pause (into his radio)" we're gonna need back up in the poker room". Anyways, they took the guy out. The regular players came to check on me, life went on. My relief came back about ten minutes after all this and said it was my break time. The phone rang, it was survellience. They said the guy was at the bottom of the escalator... that's how I got to the break room. I thought, oh shit. He's gonna get me, and all I wanted was one fucking cigarette. I told my pit that if I wasn't back in 30 minutes that he might want to send a search party. I mean, this guy really wanted his imaginary $110. Got safely to the break room, and got back. The first thing I hear from one of my co-workers when I got back was "Hey, did you take my $110? I swear you did..." I will never live this one down.

p.s. Turns out the guy was really pissed cause they had also kicked his girlfriend out about an hour before for fighting with someone else on a whole different floor. Yay for healthy relationships.

I'm Not Running Anymore....

2005-10-02T16:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long since writing. Guess there was really nothing to report. Just a typical week. Work work work. Pretty uneventful. Actually, last night was the only night that anything happened. And it still wasn't much. I was sitting box on a dice table. I had been warned by the supervisor that tapped out that it was a bit nutty. Just a bunch of people talking shit and, the fact that there was a break in dealer on the table didn't help anything. Anyways, this guy started running his mouth, saying how he could do better than the dealer, and to move the dice and blah blah blah. I asked my floor what his deal was, and my floor said that he's just an asshole. Anyways, he kept talking and talking until it really started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. It was the end of the night and I just wasn't having it. Anyways, a chain of events began to pan out when the timing was impecable. A guy on the other side of the table, who was stoned out of his mind. His eyes weren't even open... it was amazing. He can't throw the dice. He picks them up and in his attempt to throw, the dice land six inches in front of him. This happens several times, until I finally said no roll. All the while, loudmouth is still talking. Finally, I had had it. I looked at talking guy and asked him if he'd like to tap onto the table. He said sure. I said that he had better do a better job than anyone else. And proceded to remove my badge and reach out in his direction. Anyways, he said he'd get a job there and show up everyone and blah blah blah. In between rolls, I just looked at him, and said very loudly, "1922 Cass Avenue. Go fill out an application. It would be a pleasure to supervise you." Just as a finished, my shift manager came walking out from behind my table. I thought, this is it... until he started laughing very loudly. Needless to say, talking guy left. Then stoned guy threw some money at me, which I was not pleased about, so it took me about ten minutes or so to count out the $500 in twenties he threw at me, and he left. Anyways, the table was cleaned out. My dealers were happy, and my floor commended me. When I was about to tell him how I did it, he said he didn't even want to know. It was kinda funny.
Anyways, so Friday, I was just messing around, and found that there are a ton of jobs in Vegas. I ended up filling out an app for the Venetian as a dealer. Melissa and Mike were talking of moving out there, and I already know a bunch of people out there. Well, they called me yesterday for an interview. I didn't schedule it yet, I'm waiting to see if Melissa hears from them first so we can just go together. I'm really excited about it though. The dealers out there are making around $1800 a week after taxes. How can you really beat that? We'll see... Mom wasn't too happy, but supportive at the same time. I know I've thought I was leaving before, but it's just never panned out. No one really understands the circumstances that happened, like my mom getting sick and like Mississippi, yeah, well, kinda got screwed there, but I guess for a good reason. I'd be floating around somewhere. I'm just really excited. I'm ready to get out of this place.

Sick of Myself...

2005-09-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

So I recieved this e-mail from a friend of mine. I was completely appalled. Of course, this is the same person that sent the one about the Muslim stamps. I wonder if this person actually reads these things and thinks "what a good idea to pass this along. it will educate and make this world a better place." Now, I have a lot of comments for this one, but it's so long, that I won't even start. My reply is at the bottom. All I really do want to say is that I especially love the part where the "Doctor" says something to the effect of only those who want help themselves should be helped. The others should destroy themselves. And if his family could immigrate over here and make a life, then anyone should be able to. Does this asshole realize that this country is built on immigrants? Dumbass. Anyways, just read on. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Thought I might inform my friends on my recent traumatic experience. I
am going to tell it straight, blunt, raw, and I don't give a damn. Long
read,I know, but please do read!!!
I went to volunteer on Saturday at the George R. Brown Convention for
two reasons.
A: I wanted to help people -- to get a warm fuzzy.
B: Curiosity.
I've been watching the news lately and have seen scenes that have made
me want to vomit. And, no, it wasn't dead bodies, the city under water, or
the sludge everywhere. It was PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR. The people on T.V.,
(99% being Black) were DEMANDING help. They were not asking nicely but
demanding as if society owed these people something.
Well, the honest truth is WE DON'T. Help should be asked for in ! a kind
manner and then appreciated. This is not what the press (FOX in
particular) was showing. What I was seeing was a group of people who
are yelling, demanding, looting, killing, raping, and SHOOTING back at the
demanded help!!!!!
So, I'm thinking this can't possibly be true, can it???? I decide to
submit to the DEMAND for help out of SHOCK. I couldn't believe this to
be true of the majority of the people who are the weakest of society. I
went to volunteer and help folks out, and see the truth. I will tell the
following story and you decide:
I arrived at the Astrodome only to find out that there were too many
volunteers and that volunteers were needed at the George R. Brown
Convention Center. As I was walking up to the Convention Center I
noticed a line of cars that wrapped around blocks filled with donations. These
were ordinary Houstonians coming with truckloads and tr! unks full of
water,diapers, clothes, blankets, food, all types of good stuff. Lots of it
was NEW. I felt that warm fuzzy while helping unload these vehicles of
thesewonderful human beings. I then went inside the building
and noticed approximately 100,000 sq. ft. of clothes, shoes, jackets,
toys and all types of goodies, all organized and ready for the people in
need.I signed up, received a name badge and was on my merry way, excited to
beuseful.
I toured the place to get familiar with my surroundings; the entire
place is probably around 2 million sq. ft. I noticed rows as far as the eye
can see of mattresses, not cots, BLOW UP MATTRESSES!!! All of which had
nice pillows and plenty of blankets. 2 to 3 bottles of water lay on every
bed. These full-size to queen-size beds, by the way, were comfortable. I
laid on one to see for myself. I went to look at the medical area. I
couldn'! t believe what my eyes were seeing!!! A makeshift hospital created in 24
hours!!! It was unbelievable. They even had a pharmacy.
I also noticed that they created showers, which would also have hot
water. I went upstairs to the third floor to find a HUGE cafeteria created in
under 24 hours! Rows of tables, chairs and food everywhere - enough to
feed an army! I'm not talking about crap food either. They had Jason's
deli food, apples, oranges, coke, diet coke, lemonade, orange juice,
cookies, all types of chips and sandwiches. All the beverages, by the
way,were put on ice and chilled!!!! In a matter of about 24 hours or less,
an entire mini-city was erected by volunteers for the poor evacuees.
This was not your rundown crap shelter, it was BUM HEAVEN. So that was
the layout: great food, comfy beds, clean showers, free medical help.
There was a library, and a theatre room that I! forgot to mention. Great stuff
right???? Well here is what happened on my journey -
I started by handing out COLD water bottles to evacuees as they got off
the bus. Many would take them and only 20% or less said "thank you".
Lots of them would shake their heads and ask for sodas! This went on for
about 20-30 minutes until I was sick of being an unappreciated servant. I
figured certainly these folks would appreciate some food!!!
I went upstairs to serve these beloved evacuees some GOOD food that I
wish I could have at the moment!
(***The following statements are graphic, truthful, and discuss
IRRATIONAL behavior. Proceed at your own risk of offense.***)
Evacuees come slowly to receive this mountain of food that is worth
serving to a king! I tell them that we have 2 types of great deli
sandwiches to choose from - ham and turkey. Many look at the food in
disgust and DE! MAND burgers, pizza, and even McDonalds!!!! Jason's deli
is better than McDonalds!!!!Only 1 out of ten people who took something would say "thank you".The rest took items as if it was their God-given right to be served withouta shred of appreciation!!! They would ask for beer and liquor. They
complained that we didn't have good enough food. They refused food and
laughed at us. They treated us volunteers as if we where SLAVES. No,
not all of them, of course, but 70% did!!!!!! 20% were appreciative, 10% took the food without any comment and the other 70% had some disgusting comment to say. Some
had the nerve to laugh at us. And when I snapped back at them for being
mean, they would curse at me!!! Needless to say, I was in utter shock.
They would eat their food and leave their mess on the table. Some would
pick up their stuff, many would leave it for the volunteers to pick up.
I left that real quick to go down and help set up some more beds. I saw
many young ladies carrying mattresses and I helped for a while. Then I
realized something. There were hundreds of able-bodied young men who could
help!! I asked a group of young evacuees in their teens and early twenties to
help. I got cursed at for asking them to help!!! One said "We just lost
our fucking homes and you want us to work!!" The next said "Ya Cracker,
you got a home we don't" I looked at them in disbelief. Here are women
walking by carrying THEIR BEDS and they can't lift a finger and help
themselves!! WHY SHOULD I HELP PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO HELP THEMESELVES!!!!
I waved them off and turned away, and was laughed at, and more "white
boy jokes" were made at me. I felt no need to waste my breath on a bunch of
pitiful losers. I went to a nearby restroom where I noticed a man
shaving. I used the restroo! m, washed my hands and saw this man throw his razor
towards the trash can...he missed. He walked out leaving his disgusting
razor on the floor for some other "cracker" to pick up.
Even the little kids were demanding. I saw only ONE white family and
only TWO Hispanic families. The rest where blacks. Sorry 20% to 30% decent
blacks, and 70% LOSERS!!!!! I would call them N*****S, but the actual
definition of a n*****r is one who is ignorant. These people were not
ignorant..they were ARROGANT ASSHOLES -- the majority of which are
thugs and lifetime, lazy-ass, welfare recipients. We are inviting the lowest
of the low to Houston, and like idiots we are serving the people who will
soon steal our cars, rape, murder, and destroy our city while stealing
from our pockets on a daily basis through the welfare checks they take.
We will fund our own destruction. By "US" I don't mean a specific race,
I m! ean the people who work hard, work smart, have values and morals. Only
people who want to help themselves should be helped. The others should be allowed to destroy themselves. I do not want to work hard, give the government close to half the money I earn so they can in turn give it to a bunch of losers. I don't believe
in being poor for life. My family immigrated here. We came here poor, and
now thank God, and due to HARD WORK, we are doing fine.If immigrants, who
come here, don't know the language, can work and become successful... WHY CAN'T THE MAJORITY OF THE HOMEGROWN DO IT!!! If we continue to reward these losers then we will soon destroy our great country. I just witnessed selfish, arrogant, unappreciative behavior by the very people who need help the most. Now these same people who
cursed me, refused a city's generosity, who refuse to help themselves are
DEMANDING handouts on their own terms!!!!!!! They prance around as if
they are owed something, and when they do receive a handout, they say
it's not good enough! Well, you know what..these types of people can go to
hell for all I care! ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard L. Johnston, M.D.
University of Mississippi Medical Center

So, this was my response. Probably not the best, but I didn't want to just leave it alone.

Wow, I think this guy really needs to stop focusing on being a
bigot racist asshole and spend his time on the streets
somewhere with his family missing and such. This, along with
the e-mail about the Muslim stamp, is one of the most racist
e-mails I have ever read. I am extremely disgusted. This guy
took so much time to calculate percentages of people not
saying thank you. Well, not everyone can be as "classy" as
him, I suppose. People like this are exactly the reason
racism is still a problem in this country. Sorry, if he gets
to spread his bigotry and infect our minds with this horribly
sheltered and uneducated ranting, then I get my opinion too.
Please don't send me any more of this crap. I don't agree
with segregating groups of people and I am not a racist. So,
I really don't need to read about people that are. And I just
noticed that it was forwarded to you by the man, when asked if
he would donate to the AIDS walk, told me straight to my face
"Let the queers die." That explains alot. No offense
Pam, I realize you are probably just forwarding it along. I
just really don't appreciate the content.

Laura

Hopefully I won't have to read any more of this crap. Sorry, just a little fired up today.

In the Arms of Sleep...

2005-09-24T18:25:00.000-04:00

This insomnia crap has to stop. I swear, I run myself until I just physically can't anymore then I just crash. Like Thursday night. Mike and I went to see Beck. It was awesome. Then we went to the bar afterwards. Met up with Shana and Matt. Matt and I went to get something to eat, then back to his place. Stayed up talking, watched Lost (I know, I'm getting pretty pathetic), and finally around 830am I couldn't do it anymore. I litteraly slid off the couch and crawled to bed, hoping that if I did not use my legs too much, I wouldn't wake myself completely before I got there. Anyways, crawled into bed, and wouldn't you know my eyes were wide open again. This keeps happening and it's driving me nuts. I think I went to work last night on about three hours of sleep. Got home last night, watched tv, fell asleep around ten or so this morning. Good news is that I totally crashed. And slept good. I really need to start regulating myself, but I can't sleep! Someone at work told me to drink one beer when I get home. Now, people, let's be reasonable. One beer? Maybe it's all the effort I'll be putting into excercising my willpower that will make me so tired that I'll sleep. Ugh. Any suggestions? Insomnia is a horrible thing. But at least I get a lot of shit done...even if it is at 6am. Well, off to work. See ya.

Shiver...

2005-09-22T07:48:00.000-04:00

So, quick note while I"m trying to waste some time. Went to work tonight. Felt sick as hell. It was horrible at first. Was sitting in the break room, trying not to look at the tv as to not spoil the wonderful evening I had ahead of me watching the season premiere of Lost. Instead, I watched a straight half hour of that plane circling over LAX. Didn't even get to see the sucker land. Anyways, so now I'm home and it's 745 in the morning. I have caught up on much of my tv watching for the past couple days, since I have been spending most of my time lately quite intoxicated and with Matt (even though I did get to see the new Gilmore Girls yesterday, since apparently he is as enthralled with that show as I). So anyways, I'm watching the new episode and my mom comes down for work, with a vengence. Fuck is she a bitch in the morning! Wow, menopause is no joke. Anyways, so I got to see the first twenty minutes or so. But apparently I got in her way somehow so I paused it and that's how I ended up writing about this on here. I do have to say I wish it wasn't so early. I totally want to call Shana and discuss this with her. There's someone in the hatch! Crazy. I'm sorry if you don't watch the show, but it really is worth checking into. Go rent the first season. I can't believe there's someone in the hatch! And what's with Shannon seeing Walt. That was just creepy. And Locke is certifiably nuts. I swear he's evil.. Oh god... I gotta go watch the rest. Sorry, since I can't, with a good conscience, call anyone this early in the morning, I just had to rant on here.

Science of Selling Yourself Short...

2005-09-19T19:45:00.000-04:00

Well, not too much happening here. I just woke up. Yes, it is 7:45pm. I missed every bit of sunlight today. Oh well. Everyone needs a good night's sleep sometimes. So last night, I got out of work early. Melissa and I went up to the bar. Nothing exciting. Shana and Mike came to join us later. They were at our friend Dave's house for a party. We all were playing trivia. I know Shana and Melissa were having a conversation about the people sitting on the other side of the bar. I made a comment about how one of the guys is a super nice guy. And that's all I remember commenting. Shana got really mad and left. So, officially, this is my apology. I tried to call her, but no one answered. I'm not sure what I said or did, but whatever it was was not intentional by any means and I'm very sorry. I feel like such an ass. I know everyone does it at one point or another... says or does something that unintentionally upsets someone else... but it sucks when it happens. Cause how do you fix that? And we usually never fight. I mean NEVER. So it's really shitty when I know she's upset about something. I don't like to see my friends upset. I'm sorry.

Enough about that. I have a real tendency to say too much sometimes. Anyways, so I ran into this guy Matt last night. There was one night when I was hosting karaoke and for some reason no one was up there. So at the end of the night I was sitting up at the bar near him and we started talking. Awesome conversationalist. So, to make a long story short, he was up there last night. We started talking again. Just bullshitting in the parking lot with Melissa. Then Melissa had to go, so we were talking. Turns out we know a lot of the same people from back in the day. I swear I knew him too. It's weird. Very small world. Anyways, next thing I know it's seven in the morning. We had just sat for five hours smoking cigarettes and talking about everything. I mean, even religion. Amazing. He said he'd probably come up to the bar tonight. Ugh... I'm confused. Never hurts to have another friend, right?

Sympathy For The Devil...

2005-09-16T19:15:00.000-04:00

So, I don't know if I'm justified or not, but I'm a little upset. I was checking my e-mail like normal. When I came across some bulk mail sent from my friend Pam. She always passes along those jokes and such, which some are actually amusing. This one was supposedly serious, about boycotting some stamp that was issued by the U.S. to commerate a muslim holiday. Was the person that wrote this e-mail serious? Were they in any way educated? So the e-mail goes on to mention the muslim bombing of the World Trade Center, the USS Cole, and such other atrocities. Anyways, it ends up saying something to the effect that these people should not be recognized in this country and we should boycott anything that's important to them and they are all horrible people and such. What kind of a closed minded asshole is this? I mean, if that's the case, that we are quick to blame a whole culture for the choices made by some of it's members, should I be crucified because I'm German? I mean, I didn't choose to kill the jews, and neither did my family members, but hell, I'm part of the culture and background. Isn't that what this is saying? Anyways, not all Muslims are bad. It's too bad that the media has portrayed it differently. There are actually a few that are great role models... for example... Muhammed Ali. Didn't see him bombing anyone. Malcom X. May have been a fire starter, but was justice served when he was killed? TuPac, Cat Stevens, Hakeem Abdul Olajuwon... I could go on for a while. It's just ridiculous to pin a label on a whole group like that. These are human beings. I'm not denying what was done was wrong, but our own Americans, and Christians, and other groups have commited such atrocities too. Where is the hate there? Why stop at just one group? Tim McVeigh was a Christian. Killed alot of people. Let's boycott them too. It's getting out of control. Everyone wants to blame someone or some group. Let's look at the smaller picture for once. It is possible for people to think for themselves and it's not always a whole group that's responsible. Stop being such bigots.
Sorry, my preaching is over. I'm just bothered by the whole thing.

Sax And Violins...

2005-09-16T04:25:00.000-04:00

Well, went to urgent care today. Really couldn't breathe. I was officially miserable. I had to leave work early on Wednesday. I NEVER do that unless I have to. Shana and I went, and proceded to rampage through the urgent care center. We got in the room and she started rummaging through the drawers, and ended up satisfied after putting those things that they look in your ears and nose with in both of her ears. She seemed quite proud after saying how much better she could hear with them. Anyways, after the doctor listened to my breathing, and such, he asked if my sinuses hurt. Then proceded to pound on my face. Litteraly. Shana heard it sitting a few feet away. It was awful. Anyways, got some scripts for antibiotics and such. Went to eat. Feeling a bit better. Still stuffed up as all hell though.
Anyways, I really just wanted to post to say, and I don't know if I'm the only one, but isn't it a great feeling when you hear a song that you haven't heard in a really long time, and you almost kinda reconnect with it? That's what happened on the way home. Made me happy.

Falling, falling gonna drop like a stone
Falling through the atmoshpere on a warm afternoon
If lovers discover that everyone dies
So don't tell me, please hold me
It's a dangerous life
Daddy dear let's get out of here
I'm scared
Ten o'clock, nighttime in New York
It's weird
If you're looking for trouble
Well that's what you will find
Mom and Pop, they will fuck you up...for sure
Love so deep, it kills you in your sleep... it's true
Love keeps us together
And love keeps us alive
And we are criminals that never broke no laws
And all we needed was a net to break our fall
They're searching for diamonds
They're grabbing at straws
Sex and sin
Sax and violins
It's hell
Wooden heads, furniture with legs... for sale
Love keeps us together and love will drive us insane
And we are criminals that never broke no laws
And all we needed was a net to break our fall
Going home, back where I belong to stay
Rays of light, they will turn the night to day
Birds travel together, birds follow the sun
And I am watching as the birds go flying home
-Talking Heads

If This Is It...

2005-09-14T17:02:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been a while. And it will probably be a while before I post again. I feel as though I have been run down by a truck, and stuffed full of germs. This cold came out of nowhere, and I just feel plain awful. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 8am, and decided to call Jay in my dilusional sickness. I ended up leaving him a message saying something like I've always loved you. My frail legs can't make it much longer. So if I die, just know that I was thinking of you. Then I hung up. Realized how ridiculous I was being. And went back to sleep. Still haven't talked to him.

I Remember...

2005-09-11T17:15:00.000-04:00

Well today is the day. I won't talk much about it, but it wouldn't be right not mentioning. I remember where I was and what I was doing, as do most. I remember being in my apartment, in bed, just waking up for class. I think I had metaphysics class that morning around ten, but with Wayne State, if you have a class at ten within the first couple weeks or so, you better leave around 830 to get a parking spot. Anyways, I turned on the tv, like always, to watch some cartoons. I remember Arthur is on PBS around that time. Anyways, I saw the inevitable. How could you miss it? A state of shock came over me. I called my mom. No answer. I remember running out into the living room to find my roomate. He had already turned on the tv and busted out the bottle of rum. We just sat there all morning. I was supposed to work around one or two. Called my boss. He said I had to come in anyways. Shana met me up there. We had to open and close the business day for paperwork purposes. Her and I just sat and talked and listened to the radio. It was insane. Just sitting in an empty theater, listening to the radio. They kept playing the same thing over and over and over. People screaming and crying. I remember calling my brother to find out if my friend Scott made it home. He was flying from somewhere and could've been on one of those flights. And my dad. He was stuck in Arizona. I remember going to the bar that night... and for the next four or five nights. It was eerily quiet anywhere we went. All you could hear is the tv echoing about the dead. Just like it is today. It's haunting.

Strangers In The Night...

2005-09-09T04:03:00.000-04:00

So last night I came home from work, and per my usual routine, went to catch up on my tivo watching. It's usually quite peaceful. Me and my doggies, on the couch. Lights down low, just winding down from the day. Anyways, so I was sitting there around six am. Watching the Cosby Show. As something approached my face. It was black, about two inches long, though it seems like the size of my hand, with wings flapping vigorously. Now, I'm usually not to scared of bugs, but this thing seemed like it was on some sort of mission. I swear it flew straight into my ear. Found that there was no entry, got caught in my hair, then down the back of my shirt. All the meanwhile, I'm yelping, and flapping around the room like I was dancing on hot coals. It was horrifying. And of course, even though I knew the species had vacated my general vicinity, I could not stop itching. I swear it was stalking me, just waiting for the right time to make it's second approach. I turned on all the lights, and the ceiling fan on high, hoping it might get smacked by it. Opened the back door, until one of it's friend's decide to fly in too. Anyways, ended up having to take a muscle relaxer to sleep. It was horrible. I still don't know what it wanted from me, but I hope it's not off making some sort of counter plan to strike again.

Help...

2005-09-07T16:45:00.000-04:00

I'm kinda bummed today. Every year I do the AIDS walk. Okay, so most of the time I don't end up walking, but I do work very hard to raise money. Now, this is going to come off as extremely insensitive and uncaring, so just hear me out. I feel for the people down south. Hell, I'm glued to the tv, just watching, and crying half the time. I understand that they need help. I was even thinking about taking my vacation time and going down there for a week or so. Don't really know what I could do, but I'm sure there's something. Anyways, so this has completely impeded my fundraising. I don't disagree with giving to the Red Cross, but I hope people aren't forgetting that there are other things out there that aren't going away. How do I, with a good conscience, ask people for money for a cause other than that? I'm torn. Anyways, gonna go watch Oprah. The bitch made me cry yesterday. This place is just a mess.

Float On...

2005-09-06T03:05:00.000-04:00

Tonight, went out like usual. It was me, Shana's boyfriend Mike, and Melissa. We had a great time. Nothing exciting. Played darts, did some shots. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I know Melissa's birthday is coming up this weekend (Friday to be exact). I wish I could be there on HER day, but I don't know if I can. We have plans to go out the Monday after. And that's what she wants. I'm going to do all I can. Anyways, I thought that tomorrow we could go to dinner. I bought her a new suit. That's what she really wanted. We will hopefully all dress up, have a nice dinner and celebrate. I hope this makes her happy. She deserves it. I know she has not broughten alot of people along in her life. And I know she knows we all care about her. I want her to enjoy her day. Even her week. It's been a rough time lately, as it has for a few people I know. The least I can give her is dinner. Even though it pisses her off when I pay for her. Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and take it though. Love ya baby! I have my best friends, and I would do anything in the world for them. All I ask is for a smile in return. Then we just all float on...

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all okay
And we all float on okay...
And we'll all float on anyway well...
Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from slight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't worry even when it lands
Good news will work it's way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way
And we all float on okay...
And we'll all float on alright
Don't you worry we'll all float on...
Don't you worry if even things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright.
We'll all float on....

Shindo...

2005-09-03T02:45:00.000-04:00

Got out of work early today. It was great. Got to go out with Melissa, Mike and Shana. We just hung out at a bar and played trivia on my phone. Nothing exciting. But it was really nice to have a night off. Lots of fun.
Rolling Stones were awesome! Wednesday. Met up with a bunch of work people. They gave out 1000 free tickets to employees. Thanks to the Illitch's! Most people in Detroit dislike them, but hey, Marion's been okay so far, owning the casino and all. Anyways, not too much to say. Can't type too well right now. More to come later.
So, i've been told my song title's are pretty obscure sometimes. Thought I would clarify.

Somethings out there
and it takes me away
from a world too small
to stay
Somethings out there
Another day in this place so small
I'd rather be somebody else
Maybe if my mind wasn't so tall
I wouldn't be able to tell
I've walked these streets
It seems like ten million times
And I've seen things up and leave time after time
And it's just another day in this place so small
I'D RATHER BE SOMEBODY ELSE
OLD HABITS DIE HARD
- Less Than Jake

Mint Car...

2005-08-30T03:49:00.000-04:00

So I'm really happy. I got to hang out with my friends Ron and Shawn tonight. I mean, just the three of us. It's great cause we all seem to have the same sense of humor, and we can just sit there and do nothing. No need to entertain each other. I don't get to see them very often anymore. I get the occasional text message saying from one or the other that they miss me. But it's just not the same. Ron is a great guy. Definitely one of my bestest friends. Actually, instead of saying too much, I heard a song on the way home that reminds me of him... of course in the friendship kinda way...

Anyways, Ron, look up Mint Car by the Cure. Great song.

Fernando...

2005-08-29T04:45:00.000-04:00

Irony occured today. Not that it doesn't everyday, but still. It's a small thing, but ironic still nonetheless. Everyday before work I stop at the gas station. Grab some cigarettes and some water. Nothing was different today. Except I really didn't want water, I wanted some sort of juice. I was looking around, and the shelf of Sobe caught my eye. I haven't tried too many of the flavors, but what I have, I've liked. Anyways, each one is labled for a different purpose, i.e. energy, power, etc. Anyways, I just picked one up, not even thinking. It was some sort of cherry juice. Got to my car. Read the label. It was marked "courage." Kinda laughed cause I couldn't think why I would need that. Anyways, got to work and they pulled me out of my scheduled pit. Threw me in the poker room. For the first time. Mind you, I took poker training four months ago. Never dealt it, or floored it. I was scared shitless. It's a whole new world up there. Hence, the irony of the courage cherry juice. Wish I would've downed that sucker before I walked up there.
Never the less, it went well. Didn't mess anything up. Didn't get suspended. It's just so different than any other section in there. Actually, kinda boring. Luckily I play poker alot. So I am quite familiar with the game. I could only imagine if I wasn't. That would just be ridiculous. Anyways, not a bad day. I'm just gonna finishing listening to ABBA's "Fernando" and head to bed. Maybe I'll dream about getting one of those minature horses that wear shoes. I really want one. I would name it Fernando and make it wear little platform shoes with goldfish in them. Actually, they would probably have to have minnows. Those horses don't have very big feet. They are awesome though! I was reading something where they said that they play fetch, and will sleep in the bed with you and everything! I attached a link to the title... just look how damn adorable!

BettyDavisEyes...

2005-08-28T16:11:00.000-04:00

Went to my cousin's wedding last night. It was okay. Jay went with me, so that helped fend off the family members a bit. They seemed more interested in him than me. Thank god. Anyways, it was pointed out to me a couple times how I'm the last one left out of all the children on that side of the family. I mean, Technically, my brother is not married, but he does have a live-in girlfriend, with a house, a joint car, and a dog. Close enough. Then there's my niece Andrea. But she just had a baby. Damn. I know I always said I would never get married. And so far I'm sticking to that. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I want it too. I want someone to love me like that. It kinda made me think about what I'm doing with my life. Then I went and got another drink. Came to realization it's useless. I'm happy where I'm at. And Jay and I went on to take full advantage of the open bar. Damn, we put a hurting on it. Jay was pretty toasted. Ended up going to the bar afterward. He drank water while I just kept them coming. Is that bad? Even the bartender was kinda laughing about it.
So Shana called me this afternoon. She seems to be on a streak of bad luck. I feel for her. The poor girl needs a damn job! Anyone got any ideas? She's very intelligent. I hate to see her settle on McDonalds or something. Where the hell are all the jobs around here? It's getting really pathetic. Thanks George W. Way to kill the economy. Sorry. Not trying to get political. It just gets really frustrating watching people that are way more skilled than others, struggling. Especially because half the people doing the jobs that they are doing are useless. Ugh. I'm done. Off to work.

Everything In It's Right Place...

2005-08-25T04:13:00.000-04:00

Today was very productive. Actually, looking back, this whole week was. Tuesday, went shopping. I hate shopping. Actually, I detest it. When I ran the movie theatre, I used to make a list and make my employees shop for me for Christmas. It's that bad. Anyways, bought two new suits. Very happy with my purchases. Today, I got up.. early.. and took my car in (mind you, early for me is about noon). My CD player has been broken since about March. I am such an idiot. About 10 months ago I had to take it in cause I put a cd with a homemade label in it. Of course it jammed. Apparently general stupidity is not covered under warrenty. Anyways, so I was quite embarresed to take it in again. The guy behind the counter, by the look in his eye, was about to give me a lecture. I told him to spare it. I knew I had a lapse in reason. And was reminded of it everyday for the last five months. It got to the point where my radio didn't work at all. For a while it wasn't so bad. I got to catch up on some new artists and such. But I had my fill of commercials for the lasar eye institutes and erectial dysfunction. So, anyways, I had to have routine maintenance done also, and told the guy I would have to do it in stages, cause I didn't want to drain my bank account. Well, he must have sensed my self disgust and got my warrenty to cover it. Yay! So anyways, I loaded up some Strokes, a couple mp3 discs I had made, Green Day, Goldfinger, and of course some Radiohead. The drive to work was the best ever! Except I have never gotten so many phone calls right when I didn't want them. Even at four in the morning on my way home.
Work was good. We had a pretty big better on my table, with insane payouts. I had them all ready and figured out. Faster than the person that was watching me. I was pretty damn proud of myself. I laugh in the faces of the non-believers!